Book Jacket

Rank 63 (-2)

Word Count

19197

Date submitted

01.21.2010

Date Updated

03.09.2010

Taking Eden

by orion

Book: , Science Fiction/Fantasy, Adventure, Romance

A story about the dark corners of Paradise and the bright spots in Hell.
About gods. Ghosts. Statues. And a City.

This City's godly beauty gives people remarkable powers-- when it doesn't drive them mad. Emily is one of those blessed by the City, given such a deep internal compass that she can never get lost. Police Chief Michael Salmon, on the other hand, is one of the cursed few whose sense of direction is at the mercy of the City's every whim.

Michael needs a living map. Emily needs to escape her mother, because to her mother she is nothing more than a doll and Emily is too real and too alive to play pretty porcelain for long.

Emily-the-doll is going to get up and walk-- and maybe more. Emily-the-doll just might unearth the City's secret, that dark answer it's hiding to "Why does it hurt to be ordinary?" and "Where is the Army of East?" To "What happened three years ago?" and "Why is Chief Michael permanently lost?"

She might learn the answer--- but will she survive?

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Amanda Storey

wrote 4 days ago

I love this I love this I LOVE this. I'm not even finished reading the first chapter and I just have to say it's amazing. This is going straight to my picks...
Firstly, the imagery is wonderful, it literally draws me into the story (as cliche as that sounds). The narration is beautiful, being inside Emily's head is so much fun and addictive. The first few paragraphs brought tears to my eyes, sooo... yeah, that's about it for now, it's amazing. You have some REAL talent, and I'll definitely be reading/commenting more.

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dragonwind2000

wrote 34 days ago

Your box metaphor and the way you crafted the very first paragraph of the prologue was magnificent. It alone was enough to put you on my watch list.

The first paragraph in this section has several very effective sensual devices - the sound of the door and the stained glass. Well done.

The next few paragraphs provide a super hook: we want to know what sort of conflict Chris had; if he's dead or coming back; and how this character - now praying - fits in as the protector of the city. Awesome plot devices!

The description of the agent's confusion and the character's reference to 'power without direction' was another, very effective one.

Leaving the reader to wonder what is to become of Emily, though I can guess because of your blurb at the top, is another clever use of plot technique.

I like the utopian world you have begun to describe, and my guess is that things are going to become much less 'perfect' really quick.

This easily makes it to my watch list.

dragonwind2000

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joanamysts

wrote 22 hours ago

I don't know if I said this in my last review or not, but I really love your imagery. I'm not someone that can really write vivid imagery, or maybe I'm just too lazy to try XD But there were a few places in here that got me confused, and I had to re-read them to get it. The first was when she's walking in and the reflections of the stained glass are described as 'jewels' as they run down her body. I don't know if it was just me, but I thought she was talking about actual jewels at first, like maybe she was wearing bracelets or something, so you might want to take a look at that :)

The only other big thing is that you have her talk for multiple paragraphs. There's nothing wrong with that itself, but when you have the same person talk with no breaks for action or anything, the paragraphs should start with a quotation mark (though it doesn't end with one unless the person is done talking). Just one of those odd rules :) It, to me, is a way of being able to tell the person is still talking instead of it being part of the narration, especially in stories like this where the narration is in first person.

Overall, I do like it! I may not get to it right away, but I will be coming back to this. And definitely a spot on my picks.

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joanamysts

wrote 23 hours ago

Oh I'm loving this already! You do a great job in 'breakdown' to set up the reader's expectations or wonder of what will be happening in the story. It seems like it woulid be a prologue, but it doesn't seem clunky or unnecessary like about 98% of prologues do. It seems almost like the quote at the beginning of a book that an author would have. I also just love the imagery of a 'box of hands'.

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Poem

wrote 2 days ago

Ohhhhh...great opening! "And boxes break." definte foreshadowing!
Amazing imagery and dialogue as well "happy bithday stupi brother" Ha! been there! Oh...i feel so bad for her though, you should never have to mourn a loved one' death...
Anyway though I loved the style and voice that leads me through the maze of the city and Emily's head.
Great choice for name's too by the way, for some reason they just fit. That's pretty tricky.
I also like the perfect world. It makes me crave to see where the story will take me so i know that this city is perfect. I'm curuios what's hiding in the future.
Once again, WOW!

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Lector

wrote 2 days ago

“And boxes break.” Whoa, what a cool beginning!! Really drew me into the story at once.
The narration is just excellent, it just flows so nicely into the rest of the story, adding a little bit more of an insight to her thoughts.
The imagery surrounding the settings, the sight, the sounds and everything is just amazing!
Very subtly way to interweave the back story of Chris into the rest of the story with her singing happy birthday, a nice little touch.
The “or else” bit about Chris added a little some little more to her character, and was just plain fun tot read.
The Army of the East is a pretty cool name by the way.
Chapter 3 is just amazing, short and powerful. “A normal name.” And the last sentence was just incredible, it sounded like a story in its self.
Consider Looking Over:
I noticed some small grammar errors, for example. “and-[new paragraph] stopped.” Stopped should be capitalized along with some of the chapter names. Also consider seeing if you can add in her name early on, so that way it can solidify more as time goes on.
Other than that though, amazing story! The overall concept it SO unique and just amazing!

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Author S M Johnston

wrote 3 days ago

Read some of this a bit early and picked it and am now back to comment.

You writing style is amazing. So feedback as I read through:

It's already been spelt out how profound the prologue is so I will skip through to chapter 1.

Double check but I think for long sections of quotes the formating still has a " at the beginning of each par but not at the end until the end of the quote.

I want to know where this city is?

His chance had come.. I think as it needs to be perfect past tense.

Background check - nothing picked up here.

I think this is great and expect to see it climbing the rankings.

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Broadway Baby

wrote 4 days ago

This is wonderful. The box metaphor is great, and I love the religious imagery in the first chapter. Picked.

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theuntoldsitcom

wrote 4 days ago

-eyes bulging out to prolouge- WWWHHHHAAAAA this is great!! it draw's readers in and it say READ ME whoa girl in box that must SUCK!!
CHAPTER 1 okay she better not be with that bad guy or i'll have to go over their and whack her!! XD anyway here we go

I love the emotions that you take when she is talking about Chris its inoccent sweet but its also sad and i want to know if Chris is alive (okay after 14 years idk about that but still) The way you discribe her pain whenthat dud pushed her (so RUDE!!) was great! I love how she is a little sarcastic and yet its not screaming out SHE IS SARCASTIC! its a gentle sarcastic

bad stuff Well i had to reread some stuff to get it but other then that well done XDD

THIS IS GREAT!! its the beginning of a great book!!

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Amanda Storey

wrote 4 days ago

I love this I love this I LOVE this. I'm not even finished reading the first chapter and I just have to say it's amazing. This is going straight to my picks...
Firstly, the imagery is wonderful, it literally draws me into the story (as cliche as that sounds). The narration is beautiful, being inside Emily's head is so much fun and addictive. The first few paragraphs brought tears to my eyes, sooo... yeah, that's about it for now, it's amazing. You have some REAL talent, and I'll definitely be reading/commenting more.

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Amanda Storey

wrote 4 days ago

Wow. I just read the 'breakdown' and already I'm hooked... k, I'll keep reading now...

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Shadows

wrote 5 days ago

He-he, wow. Nice work here.
Such an interesting style. It seems almost cryptic at times. You present the concepts and thoughts to us and leave the deciphering to us, but not so much that it confuses or misleads. We follow the story, not just read along.
Just be careful that you don't confuse. A good style can go astray when it becomes too elaborate.
Good work.

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Courtney Driscoll

wrote 5 days ago

Ok this was great, I read the first three chapters and I'm very impressed. You have a very unique voice and your writing style resembles Ray Bradbury in Fahrenheit 451. Great use of imagery and personification to such the reader in. I love the metaphoric theme of "the box", very creative and really adds to your story.
Also great use of vivid descriptions and tight dialog, youv'e done a great job so far and I can't wait to read more :)

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Shirley R. Kleiner

wrote 5 days ago

Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow I really like this. I didn't get to read far, but what I've read I've loved, your characters tone in the church at the pew, singing happy b-day, basically discussing Chris. and I also loved your unique box description of her being, basically sheltered, great job. Picked :)

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_kris10

wrote 10 days ago

The lack of grammar issues is a huge plus to me. You do an amazing job at descriptions, and the narrative flow is very smooth. I will admit I was confused as to what the story was in the beginning, but it may be my frazzled brain.

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Nevermind

wrote 13 days ago

yeesh, no update!

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Nevermind

wrote 19 days ago

Hey, why'd you change your cover back? I liked the old one! I mean, I like this one too--both are tied, but I was surprised to see the apple back, peeling back the layers of the story. Heh.

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Nevermind

wrote 19 days ago

Hey, why'd you change your cover back? I liked the old one! I mean, I like this one too--both are tied, but I was surprised to see the apple back, peeling back the layers of the story. Heh.

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marypoppins12

wrote 19 days ago

i read to chapter two and im completely lost. will i still be lost the more i read or will it clear up?

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lily1411

wrote 20 days ago

The ending so abrupt! i love it though and will continue to read:) can't wait till you add more^_^
~lily

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Nevermind

wrote 20 days ago

Samus? And Sammy? and Michael? WHoa, character confusion here, Who is who? Am I missing something?

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europ92

wrote 21 days ago

Whoah, someone was a bit trigger happy. I'll bet that's gonna have some major consequences, especially since she is a paradise baby. So...why did you change Michael's name to Samus? I think I like Michael better. Nice new cover :D I kinda liked the snow globe though because it showed her city enclosed in its own world. But this one is equally cool. Can't wait tell next update.

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Failure Of Imagination

wrote 21 days ago

Update, my favorite part of the day! Btw, I liked your old book cover better :(

So-so-ooso, I really enjoyed this chapter (13) because I hadn't read this in a while, so it was awesomely refreshing.

Who is Samus? Am I missing something here? I know there is Nana, Chief (Michael), Sammy, and Emily who is the protag.

Well, I'm also spacing out today, got a 102 degree fever (whew-hoo) and a siiiiick cough, haha, so that may have a bit to do with it.

As ever, can't wait for the next update!!!!!!!

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BethanyAnn

wrote 26 days ago

OH. MY. GOSH. This story is amazing. I have only read the first chapter and I love it. This is going on my pics list for SURE. I am now going to stop writing this comment so I can read more of this excellent story. GREAT WORK!!! :)

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breakingdownslowly

wrote 26 days ago

This is a very good piece of work. A few grammar mistakes, but nothing that really stuck out. A very unique concept too. I'm excited to read more!

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analog trash

wrote 27 days ago

YOU.
NEEDS.
AN.
UPDATE.
D:
STOP WORKING ON YOUR '08 NANO LONG ENOUGH TO UPDATE THIS.

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Failure Of Imagination

wrote 28 days ago

Aww. Where's the update?

I'll keep checking back!

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Nevermind

wrote 29 days ago

Ack, no update? Well there goes the highlight of my day. Great. Now I have to go do my Chemistry homework. :( I would say hurry up, but I know that the creative brain does NOT work on demand.

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Evie J

wrote 30 days ago

I read the 'Breakdown' and the first chapter and I really really like this!!
The breakdown was awesome! "And boxes break." ---Perfect line to end with. It made me go "Chapter 1!!"
I loved Chapter 1 as well. I didn't find anything wrong with it actually! You had great emotion and it all flowed really well.
Great work!

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Rebecca Ryals Russell

wrote 31 days ago

Your writer's voice is unique and interesting. This seems to have an interesting concept. Good job. Picked.

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BunniComixArtist

wrote 32 days ago

omg i luv this soooo much! i added u to my pics right away!!! i know i won't regret it, and keepy on writing!! i need to read MORE!

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europ92

wrote 32 days ago

I love your writing, and the metaphor about how she lives in a box. Chief intrigues me, and I am interested to know more about him. Thank god I only have to wait till Thursday for another update :D At first, I was confused about what everything meant, but now I am starting to understand. And think it's absolutely amazing. This utopian world seems developed, and and I'm excited to see more. Great job! I added it to my picks!

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lily1411

wrote 33 days ago

I'm really glad that you add to this every thursday
the plot's coming along really nicely and i'm still wanting to know what happens next:D
and learning about this whole new world, its...just amazing really
~lily <3ily

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dragonwind2000

wrote 34 days ago

Your box metaphor and the way you crafted the very first paragraph of the prologue was magnificent. It alone was enough to put you on my watch list.

The first paragraph in this section has several very effective sensual devices - the sound of the door and the stained glass. Well done.

The next few paragraphs provide a super hook: we want to know what sort of conflict Chris had; if he's dead or coming back; and how this character - now praying - fits in as the protector of the city. Awesome plot devices!

The description of the agent's confusion and the character's reference to 'power without direction' was another, very effective one.

Leaving the reader to wonder what is to become of Emily, though I can guess because of your blurb at the top, is another clever use of plot technique.

I like the utopian world you have begun to describe, and my guess is that things are going to become much less 'perfect' really quick.

This easily makes it to my watch list.

dragonwind2000

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Nevermind

wrote 35 days ago

Double yay, update!! I gotta say this--spoiler alert if I;m right. I think the guy who does the short, deep chapters in italics is Emily's brother whose name escapes me yet again. Dang. I LOVE the last line of 12, great one! Just makes me go "oohh." Can't wait for more!

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Failure Of Imagination

wrote 35 days ago

Yay! Update!! I loved the last line of chapter 12, and the fact that Emily tries to imagine herself meeting each of those Ordinaries on file. You know one think I noticed? You don't show much of Emily's thoughts... or emotions... just what's going on and what other people say... But that's just me, don't pay any attention to me...

Cheers!

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preistie

wrote 36 days ago

Your pitch is everything a pitch should be. If I read that on the back of the book, I would no doubt add it to my cart.

Breakdown was a marvelous beginning introduction to your story.

I became a little lost in her thoughts before the cops arrived and so was confused when suddenly they were running. Maybe I read too fast, but perhaps, just perhaps, explain the intruder into the church a wee bit more so readers have a clear idea of what’s happening?

“Once upon a time there was a darling girl and she lived in a darling box …” I adore this. I’m a sucker for anything beginning with “Once upon a time” to be completely honest.

“I thought you were going to be pretty.” Ouch, indeed!

Although Emily is a young adult, I can’t help but picture a child in my mind. Her thoughts and words are so innocent. They’re not naïve, no, but I feel they are lacking maturity for a nineteen-year-old. Then again, she does seem to have been sheltered growing up, so perhaps it truly is just pure innocence.

Chief definitely has to be an outsider. He doesn’t know where anything is! How is that even possible? Even after living somewhere for a certain period of time, you catch on. Strange

“Because … you wanted to crash and die?” Haha! I like Chief.

I love the short chapters you insert between every few chapters. I like the stories they tell, entwining them with this new world, but not distracting you from the real story.

Matt is delirious. How did someone like him get into the Core, or in any law involvement whatsoever?

Your story is very captivating and I’m wondering where the time has just gone, ha, but make sure you spend a little more on plot development. Things are moving at a nice and steady pace; just don’t let it slow down any.

I’ve finished all that you have here and thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent reading! Great job!

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Failure Of Imagination

wrote 38 days ago

I finished this all in one big take, and let me tell you, I cannot wait for Thursdays!!
The story flowed so well, and it is dark and comical simultaneously! That combination makes the best books! I really love the character Emily, I can definitely relate... I lost a sister a few years ago. Good news, it's on my picklist, so give yourself a pat on back for a pleased reader and a job well done!

Cheers!

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lily1411

wrote 38 days ago

i've read all of it so far:) loved it! I didn't exactly follow at the beginning...but i got into it and started getting it, great job

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Casey

wrote 41 days ago

this story is absolutely amazing:) , i would love if you would read mine too:) keep writing. seriously- future author right here- you:D

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Exiled_Muse

wrote 41 days ago

The beginning was a wonderful contrast of dark and light, of the dangers inherent in life as well as the joys. I loved that last line of "breakdown" when you write "and boxes break." Given that I love anything dark, this had me smiling in anticipation of what was to come.

When Emily left the church and she walked her way down the aisle and caressed each of the pews, I could only think of how well you incorporated Chris and the Nazarene army, the cross and all the little details without saying anything outright. The phrase "you are not the dead" was a nice way of putting things, of showing how they vanished and the mystery surrounding the whole ordeal. In the next scene, you have a bit of changing tenses from past to present like "I was a nineteen year old girl who likes" => "who liked" Chief is a very interesting character. I especially liked the scene where he's confused. The way you described his lost expression, of how Emily could understand and how she helped him find his way to East Falls was very well done and I could feel his frustration, the way all three of them (Emily, Chief and the man) responded to the question "is she with this guy?" made me smile because it was sort of funny how they all denied it at the same time especially since none of them know each other.

I love how each one of the longer chapters has the interlude of short description journal entries/thoughts/feelings. I love how mysterious and magical yet down to earth and thoughtful each section is. It makes the reader think of who the speaker could be, of why they question and just fall in love with the language that you chose to employ for those sections. While I like the storyline, I think that very first section "breakdown" was what made me fall in love with the world, the characters and the plot. The words were well written and almost heartbreaking because of how true it was. A box made of loving hands, of safety - and the ever present danger of breaking that golden box.

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Ink Stained

wrote 42 days ago


I really enjoyed reading this and can't wait to read more! It's very mysterious and I really like it and how you've thought it all through. Your style is very unique, don't loose that!

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MadCountess

wrote 42 days ago

I have only read chapters 1 and 2 so far but I love your lyrical style!

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Nevermind

wrote 43 days ago

Love it so much so far, can't stop! But I had to point out that in Chapter 4 you said "Michael" before he was introduced as such, when we was talking to Sora. Minor thing you might want to fix. I am loving Emily's thought process, and your prologue is amazing. It could so stand alone. I like your language, it's very natural but full of subtle things that make me think, wow. Great job!

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staceintheplace

wrote 45 days ago

Only a few chapters in but already I can't wait to read the rest. This is amazing! A very unique story with just the right amount of intrigue and tension to keep you riveted to the page :)

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flying2far4u

wrote 45 days ago

I love this so much!
Especially the prologue- for some reason it hit me so hard! Absolutely gorgeous! =)
I added it to my picks- it was just sooo wonderful. And though I haven't finished, I'll definitely be back for more!

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!books!

wrote 48 days ago

Your figurative language is beautiful. You have a knack for details and descriptions. Excellent job.

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QC

wrote 49 days ago

Very nice. I love the small details like "I scrubbed at my eyes with the back of my joined hands" and "my lips touched my knuckles". These are things most don't realize we do, and therefore leave out.
I'm also fond of the line "and boxes break". It has a reality of its own; I love that you made it a separate sentence, it feels very blunt and to the point.
Well done:)

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Leigh Fallon

wrote 49 days ago

Your prologue is excellent. Nearly a stand alone piece of work in its own right. I love it in all its poetic beauty. Chapter one was fantastic too. The church scene at the beginning was so beautifully described I could nearly smell the frankensence and feel the cool wood of the pews. Stunning work, honestly.
I think there was a little typo in there "statue at alter" I think that should be "statue at the alter" but maybe not. I'm not sure how you wished to say it.
Then after the beauty and peace of the church we're thrown head first into intrigue and chaos.
Love this.
Leigh

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MIC

wrote 49 days ago


“I lived in a box.”---this was different! So caught my attention!!!

“And boxes break”---this was great

“Bounced from my skin and slithered over the curved forms of the flowers I carried”---gorgeous!!!

“feeling the winding valleys of letters that had been carved into their sides”---so good

“Magnified by my tears, pinching the corners of my eyes”---like this

“I felt like an intruder. A mortal observer standing in the narrow pathway of a god”---this was awesome

“Who likes to spend her time reading in window seats’---great

“not since my brother had taken my ten-year old hand and pulled me breathless out the front door when the babysitter wasn’t looking”---hah! Nice

“He didn’t despise those soulless creeps who threw their names around”---like

“Total wardrobe incongruity aside,”---nice!

“But for the intoxicating roar of an angel leaping from the earth into the sky. For power.”---loved this

“mildly threatened sight of a dozen small nozzles”---love that its ‘mildly threatening”

“No, as in the other definition of just fine”---hah! Made me laugh!

"Nana's high, scalding voice sliced through the chorus"---loved this

Wow! What great writing!!! You definitely know your stuff! I am loving this! Really, really great work!!! ~Morgan;)

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Sapphire

wrote 50 days ago

Wowwwwwwww!!! I just finished chapters 5-7. They are amazing. So much depth in these chapters, and such incredible writing. You are truly talented. I don't just want to read more of the story. I want to hear more of your voice. I'm going back right now to reread these chapters. Please tell me there's more.

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Sapphire

wrote 50 days ago

This book is very refreshing. From page one, I was hooked with all the questions that it raised for me. However, the storyline is so novel that I have no idea how they're going to be answered. It makes for quite an adventure. You have a gift for description. I loved when you described the police station as having "sensible desks under siege by batallions of paperwork". I also enjoy the playful humor throughout the story. The misunderstanding in the decontamination area made me laugh out loud. I'm late for an appointment, from reading longer than I should. I'll be back soon for chapter five. I hope that you will continue adding chapters. I need these questions answered!

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12

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