silverherring

wrote 132 days ago

I just want to say, thanks to everyone who comments on this book. I know I sound suck-up-ish. But it really does mean a lot to me that you would take your time to help me. Thank you.

xdarkangel452x

wrote 40 days ago

I have become obssesed with this story, I keep checking every 5 minutes to see if updated, hehe! The way you write and the plot you created makes me want to keep reading. I just read this story without any breaks and im still anxious for more. You have got an amazing talent!!!!!

maddyjade

wrote 49 days ago

I LOVE this!!! The whole story kept me on the edge of my seat. All of the characters in the Ashes were amazing! I think i cried a little when Alex died. lol, I hope you continue or even make a follow up. AMAZING:)

Emma Halmhofer

wrote 52 days ago

Daaaang girl! whoop whoop! I love it!!!
Just read until chapter... three? yeah three plus the prologue. This is so interesting and cool! Ryan sounds like a hot sweetie ;] i love him already! and Ella... poor Ella. If Chrisy is so pretty, why isn't she popular? why is she friends with Ella? no offense, but she's a bit of an s-l-u-t.
BUT ANYWAYS! I loved this. you've definitely combed through with will with your grammar stick and punctuation gun (so to speak) I didn't find any errors. Actually, i take it back. i found one. but i can't remember it right now, so we'll just say you had no errors :]
Picked!
Best of Luck,
~Emma

bookworme

wrote 65 days ago

i absolutly loved it!!!! i just did not expect alex to die. i actualy cried when i read this *i know weak* but its that good. if its done are you gonna make a second book and if your not plz update!!! there were a couple of spelling errors or typos but i didnt know if you wanted me to point them out but dont worry there are barely any. keep writing!!!!!8)

-bw

bigdreamer1415

wrote 71 days ago

Yeah, Im DEFINTELY coming back for more. Read the first two chapters and HEART the romance in chapter 2. Prologue... it was okay. There is one misspelled word in there though, but i forget. I'll just message u when i find it.

kjanco7

wrote 76 days ago

Here are my thoughts on this chapter. This is the last chapter for our swap. However, if something triggers you to want to read my book further, I will continue to read your work. If you think my critiques are actually useful and wish for me to continue, same goes for you.

Grow
-From the dance to being inseparable to pizza place and then to vomiting, it shifted it quite awkwardly. Try to make it a bit smoother. Maybe try to fade into the next scene.
-Vocabulary and description. You know what I'm going to say. Just look at my review for the first chapter again.
-I will say, I prefer POV 3 from you. It's more alluring and mysterious; that's the beauty of it. I know you're going to say no to this and think I'm crazy but I think this story would be much better in POV 3. You could get very creative with it. Of course, Ella can be the protagonist and her thoughts can be incorperated in many ways, and Alex can be the disgusting antagonist, but it gives in more of a variety of risks though the content. I will admit that I naturally go towards POV 3, but I can see your story really benefiting from it.
-For sanitary and appetite reasons, I, and many other germaphobic-ish OCD people would appreciate using the term vomiting. Thank you.
-I would suggest trying to let the reader soak in that it's taking place in 2010. Or maybe make in a different time period; how about the late 1990's/early 2000's? In that sense, you could compare that kooky kids hipster pants vibe, all peaceful, with someone as violent as the Ashes. Like contrasting white and black almost.
-I wish this wasn't as chick-lit; I like you Ashes-like profile. Maybe it's just me.

Glow
-You probably know what I'm going to say, but I'm going to say it anyway.
-Grammar, spelling and punctuating are good.
-Second to last line and the last line.
-Characters have gotten better, but still need work.

Overall:

Grow: characters, dialogue capitalization and bold reduction, vocabulary and description enhancing,(since I know you can do it!) crude jokes, certain sentences, ---- lines instead of commas and details.

Glow: grammar, spelling, punctuating, keeping my interest, dialogue tags, setting, last lines, everything else I didn't mention in my 'Grow' section.

-kjanco7

kjanco7

wrote 76 days ago

Here are my thoughts on this chapter.

Grow
-The phrase, 'straight into a semi headed the other direction,' doesn't make any sense.
-'Alex simply vanished after the attack.' Shouldn't it be crash instead of attack?
-Using -- should be a comma or more details as I said before.
-I think you introduced Alex a bit too soon. Maybe you can hold him off a little. Let them all flourish out a little, and then introduce the disgusting, nightmare.
-When you are describing how Ella knows that Alex isn't gay, you're sounding as if you're against homosexuals. Please, fix this.
-Using CAPITALS to emphasize things isn't the best idea, as I had said before. Use the power of words.
-Vocabulary and description needs work; there's a bit too much dialogue again. You can't support your story based on that.

Glow
-Grammar, punctuation, and spelling are good again.
-Better dialogue tags and character development. Alex is interesting, even though he came in too soon, but disgusting. (Chicken skins in his teeth? Ew...)
-It was interesting, as always. I wasn't bored.
-I like you last lines. Very nice.

-kjanco

kjanco7

wrote 76 days ago

Here are my thoughts on this chapter.

Grow
-Too much bold! I understand you want to emphasize it but, it's not the best way to do it. Maybe make certain words in italics, but when you use it all the time, it doesn't work well. And besides, in a really intense moment like in the climax, what are you going to do when you've already used bold in the first chapter.
-I hate to say this so early, but know all of the characters already. Please, surprise me. And if not, give me some hope. A single steam in a garment.
-When you say that Miranda is white on the inside, that's EXTREMELY racist. Please, delete that part. I understand it's POV 1 of a junior high school girl that isn't perfect but, that gets across a bad message. Another line was when Ella was telling Ryan that he'd be black by the time America paid off it's debut. Plus, isn't Ella this shy girl who doesn't break the rules?
-When Nathan comments on being racist, it would be stereo-typing. Racism, by definition, is 'a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race,' or, 'racial prejudice or discrimination.' Just to let you know, I am a white American of European ancestors, but that still should be taken care of.
-When you talk about her grandparents never allowing her to use the car, you go off about her grandparents. She doesn't have ADHD- remember that!
-I don't know if it's that new 'cool' word, but using 'sew' instead of 'so' seems silly. I guess it's because I'm part of P.E.A (Proper English Association.) but whatever. Maybe it's a good thing.
-When you say the car, is it a specific car, any old car, or her grandparent's car?
-Even if it is POV 1, that isn't an excuse for vocabulary that isn't your best.
-There's a bit too much dialogue and not enough description for your story to be taken seriously at this point. I know, I know, everything will come but, readers are impatient.
-Please, I know this isn't chick-lit, (thank God!) but at this chapter, it seems so and the reader can get like, 'This is chick-lit crap like Meg Cabot!' and close the book. So, though-out the chapter, maybe just add some suspicious things, like maybe an odd comment or something like that before she sees the car.
-I would appreciate more of a clearer picture of the setting. Is this D.C, L.A., Maine, Texas?

Glow
-Grammar, punctuation and spelling are good. I would hope from a grammar Nazi!
-It is interesting to read. I didn't fall asleep like in A Single Shard. I just had to read that book for summer reading, so everything to me now seems zesty and interesting. But even before, your story is interesting. Wow, I am pathetic with positive feedback!
-Whatever I didn't mention in the 'Grow' section.

-kjanco7

kjanco7

wrote 77 days ago

Here are my thoughts on this prologue. Again, I'm not helpful with grammar, but everything else I will point out to you.

Grow
-Through-out the prologue, you aren't using the best adverbs and adjectives to describe things, since I know you have a very good and varied vocabulary. I didn't really see anything else besides the ones below, but I just want it to be perfect.
peacefully- tranquilly- pacific
rich-opulent
-Using the name Hatchet, since Hatchet is a very popular novel, isn't the best idea, even if the protagonist in the novel is not named Hatchet. Also, Hatchet (and every other Gary Paulsen novel, if you even want to call them that.) was a terrible novel, so that just makes it worse.
-When you have more than three people, after each sentence of dialogue, each dialogue tag MUST include the person's name or else we don't know who is saying what, or at least he or she if they haven't been introduced yet. Even at this point since it is a prologue, we don't know anything about the characters, so it isn't as if we could make a guess based on how they are distinct from one another.
-When you are talking about Vanessa, before they meet her, --- between each part of the dialogue tag should be a comma.
-Using the word practiced for everything, such as ,'practiced ease,' and 'practiced stealth,' is unnecessary. We understand that they have done this a million times before.
-Half a dozen people is six; you describe seven people looting the house.
-Too many characters, even if we don't know them all, isn't the best thing in a prologue. The reader can get confused by this and mix up the characters.

Glow
-I like the characters you have introduced; they are strong and new, especially the leader. What's her name? I kid, I kid!
-I like this story. A lot. It's very intriguing and suspenseful, but not cloudy. Good work.
-Setting was interesting. I imagine Romania for some weird reason.

Anyway, I hope to get to chapter 1 by tonight, and 2 and 3 on Friday. These are all just suggestions, nothing like 'I insist that you change this!' See you around!

-kjanco7

aoife

wrote 90 days ago

Absolutely amazing!!! You have serious talent!! On my picks :)

Jackie MArie

wrote 103 days ago

OHHHHH MAAHHHHH GOOODDDD!!! this is....I'm lost for words... This story is incredible. I found it on the browse and just decided to read it...i didnt stop reading till one in the morning...There are a few misspelling and grammer stuff, but it doesnt affect the readers comprehension..If i were you, i wouldn't change a THING about this story. It's absolutely brilliant. I loved Hatchet... He's my favorite. By far. I really liked the speech at the carnival, that was very good. All the words and concepts flow together so well, and this seems believable and possibly researched? Reading this is like reading a published book. I also liked Hatchet's little EVIL thing, and Vanessa's psychic seizures add a bit of paranormal. Griffin is awesome, and her story was shocking. I loved how Ella got into her past. She actually almost reminds me of Tohru from Fruits Basket, in the way that she seemed to help the people around her without really meaning to. I cannot believe that this story is this good. If i keep ranting about it, you will have a comment 394570495 pages long and probably blathery and meaningless. :D This is being picked for ETERNITY. PLEAASEE keep me updated on when you add stuff. I might die from withdrawal if you don't!
~Jack

Desertfish

wrote 106 days ago

Hola

EvoRevo on ch 1-2, 14-15. That was the plan, anyway [check the first bit, then a couple chapters which probably haven't seen so much scrutiny yet] but the I just got into the story. Which is good, right? I ran out of time after Chapter 8.

So; this is a good idea, forcing us to look at people [broken people, maybe, but if you cut them do they not bleed?] instead of their actions. And the MC does a good narrative job, telling The story as well as Her story.

I made notes as I read; some are nits with corrections in square brackets, some are bits I liked. Here goes:

Prologue
• "This eliminated [any] chance of clomping noise..."
• dumb q: why did the leader's partner hide in the closet?

Ch1
• Useful para introducing why she's with her grandparents, and her self-assessment, and where and who her dad is- nicely done with few words!
• "I giggled. I confess." - good self-talk, gets us a bit closer to the MC

Ch2
• "It's a rule. Made by the people with guns." Nice observation!
• "British accent" *eye-rolling face* don't get me started.

Ch3
• Sentence starting "The circle of about fifty dancers..."- huh? couldn't get the sense of this.
• "I'll [still] beat the hell out of you..."

Ch5
• "...and took out [the?] paper with a butterfly design..."

Ch6
• Bull's explains about the hidden camera twice - does she need to do this?
• "I started a bath and emptied [an] ice bag into it."

Ch7
• "I trained until eight." - until seven maybe, so she gets home before 7.30 in he next sentence

Ch8
• "Over the next week..." - maybe a few weeks, based on what Bull's said to her when she started training?

This is very readable; great pace, interesting story, real characters and a sound voice. You've obviously taken time to polish this and it's something I'll come back and finish reading when I have time. Meanwhile, it's picked! Thanks for a great read.

mleedancerr12

wrote 108 days ago

“Are you better on how long I’ll stay with him?” <--- Lol, my friends and I do that all the time.

I liked the scene that you set up in the beginning. You made me feel like I was in Ella’s head; that I was with Christy and Nathan and Miranda.

I don’t get why Coach Purce’s words are bolded. If you want to emphasis what he’s says, italics would be better. They aren’t as annoying to the eyes.

“His eyes were a bright, startling, melt-your-heart blue” <--- I love this line.

I loved the entire Sleeping Beauty/Snow White scene. It made me laugh.

“You’ll be black about when America pays off its debt.” <--- Haha.

“That cute one in my gym class. I forget her name. Ariel or something.” – Okay I kind of love Ryan. He’s adorable.

“PDA! DON’T DO IT AGAIN!” –ha

Alex creeps me out…
Ooh tattoos everywhere…
My cousin is like that.
They go from his neck to his ankles.
It’s gross.

I love Ryan and Ella’s relationship.
I have an eerie feeling.
Like something bad is going to happen.
I have to go.
But I don’t want to.
This is going on my picks.
I’ll be coming back to it.

-Marisa :]

Piggy1402

wrote 110 days ago

Hey, I’ll comment as I read through…to initiate the swap. I’ll read the prologue and chapter 1:
Holy shit…5 German Shepherds :-S I got chased by one once. Luckily I survived O_O.
I think that this is a nice prologue to your story. I love the end, “By the way…I’m not insane” – you have effectively conveyed a sense of confusion within the character here. Makes me want to read more.
Ah, I love how you began your prologue with a murder then an ordinary scene in chapter 1. Makes me anticipate.
I like the whole 7 days, 5 days and 3 days thing.
Umm…I don’t see the point of “bold-ing” what Coach Purpe says. It’s eye-annoying.
The heck xDDD Sleeping Beauty and Snow White xDDD.
Aw, how cute. I really had guessed that I would ask Ella out, but the way he talks is teasingly adorable. “that cute one in my gym class”. I personally would ask her out like that too, so bravo for the guy.
Okay, your ending clearly hooks the reader into reading the next chapter. “Then, I saw the car” – I actually thought that she died -____- how lame of me! So I read the beginning of chapter 3 and found out she wasn’t XD.
Suggestions: don’t use bold in dialogue. I also noticed that you used a lot of adverbs – not in a ridiculous amount, but still a lot. Just a suggestion though: delete the adverbs.
I think your style of writing clearly appeals to YA audience which is a good thing :-]. The voice is also genuine and the way you interpose thoughts within descriptions is good.
OMG, I just remember about the prologue. :O How scary it is when it starts out all normal and teenage-girl-ish then she joins a gang.
I don’t think I’m able to read the exciting part yet, but I’ll definitely put this into my watch list to read it after my exam.

Shiraz

wrote 119 days ago

Prologue:

gun filled with tranquilizer <- more effective to tranq the meat itself ;-)

pausing every few seconds to read an alert or decide <- his fingers are reading and deciding?

The woman's hand flew to her mouth <- it sounds like she's done a lot of stories. how does she know which one so quickly if she doesn't know who this person is?

*Good engaging start. No spellings errors and only the one structural error I found. Impressive.

Ch 1:

*Don't use bold for emphasis. Saying he shouted is fine.

just nod[ded] and smile[d] and agree[d]

*Aw, that was so sweet. I liked the sneaky way he asked her.

Ch 2:

He [had been] a perfectly nice

and told [my dad] to let him in.

threaten us with our deaths [if we weren't silent]. <- you got the sentiment backwards.

Especially when he said... <- lol!

*Alex is a very cool twist to this story

Sometime boys can be [so] clueless <- use italics for "so"

Ch 3:

punch in the eye by Fruit Loops <- lol!

Mango <- why would she even have Mango if she doesn't like it?

*I seriously though Alex wasn't going to let her go

Ryan drove off <- sounds like he went without her

I'll [still] beat the hell

*Wow great cliffhanger ending. You've done a great job with this. I like all the characters, including Alex, and you've set things up nicely for a lot of conflict and angst. Spelling and grammar were near perfect. Flow was excellent and the dialogue believable. Definitely gets a Pick.

Good luck with it.
Shiraz.

ashlutz

wrote 124 days ago

Hiya – I’m here! Took me long enough – eh? =D Anyways on with the comment. First off I shall tell you how I comment, well I just make notes as I go along. If it’s going on in my head, you will know about it.

Prologue –

‘Not that this posed too much of a problem.’ – I read onto your next line to check which tense it was in. I’m assuming past from ‘reached’. So you would need ‘not that that posed too much of a problem.’ But I can see, you don’t want a double that. So maybe go for an ‘it’ instead?

‘tranquiliser stolen from the pound and modified so it would work faster.’ – I thought the latter unnecessary. Unless modified tranquilisers come up a lot in the story, I suggest you drop it.

This is obviously a very sophisticated group.

Call me a feminist but I happen to love the fact that the leader is a woman.

I’m English, what’s a trellis? I’m just interested. =D What’s funny about that whole getting up on the roof thing is, I do parkour, so watched a bunch of lads do that earlier today. On an abandoned building, of course =P

Word to the wise, I assume this journalist lady has a new car. It would have an immobiliser – there’s no way in hell you could hot wire it. Unless she has an old car, hot wiring it is out of the question. Probably best off having them find the keys.

I love love loveeeeeeeeeee that prologue. It’s the best prologue I’ve ever read. Ever. In my entire life. Ever. Lol. Why, oh why, oh why, isn't this higher in the ranks? I don't have time to read more right now, but I will be back! Definitely.

Picked.
Ash
[In the Middle of Nowhere]

GregWeston

wrote 129 days ago

First of all I have to say that I love the plot idea, the innocent girl being dragged into the gang culture - original, daring. I like the narrative style of the girl telling her story, easy to read. Also your dialogue is good and reads very realistically. You need a hook, a few interesting mysteries early on, something to make the reader perk up and want to read on and find out. At the moment the intro and the first chapter don't give me that, until the last line, then I saw the car.
Maybe you should add more description of surroundings, to give a bit more colour, maybe add some little details which make it real, little odd flaws in characters which are not necessarily needed for the plot, some descriptive metaphors. ( I like the, if I asked her best friend to the dance conversion; it wad good, had a twist to it).
Ch 2 - I like the car and the picture painted of Alex and his contrast to her world. "he had been a perfectly nice kid". Mix of tenses in a few places here. How was the phscologist nearly killed, tell the story, I'm dying to know! This is a great opportunity, painting the history of Alex, I think you should remember back, play out some example things he'd done and detailed scenes, play this part for all its worth.
I like the way this is progressing, and certainly worthy of a pick! I will add it next time I update. Good luck with this!

silverherring

wrote 132 days ago

I just want to say, thanks to everyone who comments on this book. I know I sound suck-up-ish. But it really does mean a lot to me that you would take your time to help me. Thank you.

Urban Storyteller

wrote 132 days ago

Little mistake I found at chapter 8.
You're telling that they fought until 8 but then inthe next paragraph you say that she came back to her house at 7:30?¿ No sense. Know what I mean?

Just pointing out^^!
UB

Urban Storyteller

wrote 134 days ago

Okay, I had previously lost this story and I was desperately trying to locate it. Then POOF, I remembered that I had thread where you posted the link and so here I am!
This is great and I've only read 2 chapters and a half of the story=) Ryan and Ella are so cute. I'm intrigued, though, by what Alex would bring and how her whole life shakes up. You know? The whole "new things brings changes".

Well, as for grammar mistakes and stuff like that, I'm not really that good at spotting them so, if I manage to find something I'll post it here:) The relationships are fresh and unique. Picked.

Will come back 4 more,
UB

beanza3

wrote 135 days ago

okay, i just had to interupt the program to say, "the PDA yelling thing made me burst out laughing... not a great thing to do in study hall... i might have to stop reading this today..."

that's all. Have a great day.

beanza3

wrote 135 days ago

Prologue and Chapter 1-

on the terms of constructive stuff... there is really nothing to say. I didn't catch anything, and everything seems like it's put together great.

On what i like... loads. I love the prologue, it works and then BAM your into the first paragraph which really makes me want to write a general fiction... I love Ella and Ryan, and i already get most of your other characters, which is amazing for the first chapter. I'm dying to find out what happens next, so i'm typing afsp and just wanted to say great work. It's really amazing.

europ92

wrote 137 days ago

I am on chapter 18, but I just wanted to stop reading and comment before I forgot. There's not much to say, because I really love this story. Definitely picked. Your descriptions are wonderful, but I think I need to commend you most on your character development. You unfold each gang member's personality in such a subtle way. I love it. As for the "personal" stories, maybe you should let Ella find that out piece by piece instead of flat out. Like Alex's except even more spread out. Too much at once is a bit of an info dump. I think someone else already noted this, but for Chapter One, double check on the use of guns etc. to make sure it's correct. I know nothing in regards to that (so in a way, I'm sort of like Ella's friends), but some of it sounded a bit iffy. But I definitely see how your prologue ties into everything, hehe.The only other advice I can give is to think of all the possibilities and ways the gang CAN get caught. Make sure you cover everything, tighten your plot. Other than that, brilliant work!

LA Knight

wrote 137 days ago

LA Knight

wrote 137 days ago

"They stole through the night with a practiced stealth."
Drop the "a" and leave it as "practiced stealth."

"A chain-link fence surrounded the property, for good reason."
Switch "for" to "with."

"Five German Shepherds rested on the grass, upwind from the intruders for now."
ARGH! German Shepherds?!?!?! O.O
I'm scared....
That is really believable - GS make some of the best guard dogs for families and homes. But eek! They're scary!

"She pulled out several large steaks and tossed them into the yard. The dogs made very little noise in their hurry to reach the treats. The leader nodded at another figure, who took out a gun filled with tranquilizer stolen from the pound and modified a bit so it would work faster. Five quick shots and the dogs were out for the next few hours."
Okay, I was a little hesitant because the steaks wouldn’t have worked... without the tranqs. You anticipated me beautifully. Excellent job!

"....that one had been born with a trigger finger.
Excellent description, and gives us swift insight into the shooter.

"The leader’s hand drifted toward the gun in her front pocket, but she thought better of it."
Again, GREAT character insight. And jeez! I'd hate to work for her!

"The leader scowled. “Let’s go,” she said shortly."
Because she's scowling, you don't need the "shortly."

"She ran across the lawn, knowing that the motion-sensor lights would activate, illuminating the yard. But the target had gotten the super-sensitive kind. What an idiot. They probably went off every time a squirrel ran by. Or a German Shepherd."
You explain without overdoing it, why this is gonna work, and show that the team is a crack-shot team and good at their work. Again, excellent job. What rank is this again? I might have to make some room in my picks....

"When they did, they split up, trying all the windows they could reach to see if one was unlocked."
Turn the second "they" into "the team" or "the group" or whatever.

"The woman had three security systems, for Christ’s sake."
Pet peeve - I hate it when people say C's sake.

"A gargoyle provided the final foothold."
Random fact - gargoyles are only gargoyles if they're attached to water spouts so that water comes out of their mouths. Otherwise, they're called grotesques. Not relevant to the story, just sharing. =)


"She hoisted herself up onto the shingles with a practiced ease."
Drop the "a" and leave it as "practiced ease."

"She took off her shoes, keeping her socks so as not to leave toe prints."
I would say "slipped off" her shoes because that implies she's wearing shoes she can take off easily - which she would for this job because she'd probably anticipate that she had to do so. Also, what kind of shoes is she wearing? I would put that in there. Little details like that is one thing that Stephen King and Dean Koontz do that make them so readable - the details.

"She poked out the hinges and stuck a crowbar under the frame, pushing with enough force to bend the lock."
Okay, you lost me here. She "poked" at the hinges? What is she doing? I have no clue.

"They would conserve all of the element of surprise that they could."
"They would conserve as much of the element of surprise that they could."

"The other two were emptying cans of spray paint onto the front wall of the house."
Smart - either they're trying to make it look like something else, or they're sending a message. Either way, it's smart.

"She took out her gun and set it with a loud click."
Set what? All she has to do is pop the clip in the gun and pull the slide-thing on top. And that's only with older, pre-2000 guns. Or maybe pre-2004.... I don't remember.

"The target was shaking. “You-You’re insane!”
Change "was shaking" to "trembled."
Also, when someone has a gun in your face, you have two reactions - either you think they're gonna shoot you, or you think they're not. And if they're going to, you do one of three things: try to talk them out of it, try to muscle them out of it, or you don't try anything. So talking... it's usually begging and pleading for them not to kill you. Generally, you try to avoid insulting someone holding a gun on you.

"She cocked the gun and pulled the trigger."
You don't need to cock a gun anymore. Most of them are ready-to-fire now, and cocking it is just for effect in movies. Think about it - if cops had to cock their guns when stealth was needed, they'd get shot way too often.

“By the way,” she whispered quietly, “I’m not insane.”
A sad, almost melancholic way to end the first chapter. Maybe it's just me, but it's almost as if you can hear a tinge of sadness in the MC's voice. Also, she claims to be sane, but the craziest people always wonder why everyone's out to get them, so she's not the most reliable witness to her sanity, is she?
Drop the "quietly." Whispers, unless they're stage whispers, tend to be quiet.

Okay, I'm not gonna pick this yet. I was, but the gun stuff and the break-in through the skylight tripped me up. If I bought this book and then read that, I'd be kind of pissed that I spent $8 or $9 on something with content mistakes. And that's how I do my picks - would I buy this? Not "would I check this out from the library because I'm too cheap to spend money" but "would I go to the store, even the used bookstore, and buy this?" If the answer is no, I don't pick.

However, the prologue does get a 8.75/10 from me, which is pretty high. You had no spelling errors, very few grammar mistakes, and the word choice was, for the most part, spot on. I gave you more compliments than complaints, which rarely happens, and the storyline is engaging. It just needs a little work to be one of my picks and to be a 10.

I enjoyed reading it, though. If you want me to critique chapter 1 as well, shoot me a line.

insert_screen_name_here

wrote 138 days ago

this is good, my friend. this is very, VERY good. the plot's very original and I like your descriptions, very vivid. i laughed a bunch while reading this :) your writing just sort of 'flows' together. there aren't any out-of-place words or phrases. keep up the good work :)

Kelly Moton

wrote 138 days ago

This pick list. Why, you ask?
1) I laughed, A LOT
2) PDA can be very annoying (I dont know how this involves your story)
3) Its funny how Ella thinks that Ryan planned on asking out Christy
4) and many more but, I'm not at listing things

wait, and I cant wait to find out why she falls out of the clouds because of a car.

-GOOD LUCK! =D -

Mcrae by Nature

wrote 139 days ago

Prologue (Ashes),

I have very little to say about this other than this whole scene was fantastic. The suspense it created, as well as the millions of questions, really kept me on the edge of my seat. I think your writing flows really well, nothing jarred or tripped me up. I love the characters in this scene, especially the leader. The mystery that follows her is exciting. Also, you make her venomous, but realistic, especially with that last line. Wow. I loved this.

Chapter One,

“...between her and Nathan.” This is the first time we meet ‘Nathan’ so he needs a little introduction before his name, e.g. “...between her and my other friend Nathan.”

“...and cut her eyes to a blond boy...” that sounds really bad, like she’s cutting her own eyes... lol. How about this, “...and snapped her gaze over to a blond boy...”

The interaction between Ryan and Ella was really cute, and I think that they make a nice couple, but due to your pitch, I can see trouble brewing. The first chapter was a lot a like many of the highschool scenarios I read about here, but your premise is so different, that it promises to be an exciting read. I think it is a very pickworthy project.

Carrie L McRae
Things that Break

Evie J

wrote 140 days ago

Heya! :)
My notes as promised:
(Some are just suggestions, so don't feel pressured)

Prologue:
"Not that this posed too much of a problem." <--Haha! Love it!
You say [on the grass] twice in one paragraph. Maybe just leave it at [...house sitting peacefully] or [...house sitting peacefully on the ground.]
Watch overusing adverbs. If you don't need them, get rid of them. For example: ["Let's go," she said.] Silently...
so [not] to leave toe prints.
You have a nice flow to your words. It's nice to read!
Oooooo!!!!! <---All I have to say for the end of this section.

Chapter 1:
J. Simmons [High] [School], mostly because....
[so] <--In italics, not caps. You want to stay away from caps as much as possible.
White on the inside Ahahaha!
me[,] "One dollar...
I'm loving the dialogue!
my breed of teenager! Ahha! This is fabulous and very believable!
Maybe [rudely] jerking me from my thoughts.
Wait, wait, you say Christy had a touch of Mexican, which give reason for her hair, but Ella has a Mexican aunt? Wouldn't that mean one of her parents was Mexican? And she would have that Mexican look, right? I have a ton of half-hispanic friends, and Mexican is definitely dominant. So you might want to make that a bit clearer. Maybe she was a family friend and Ella called her Aunt?
that [was] his actual name....
[t]-shirts and jersey...
Stay away from caps!
If you smile, you're switched! Ahaha!
team...[.] <--fourth because it's the end of a sentence.
[Could] I really...
[you] were thinking."
I LOVE this relationship! It could have be overdone, but it wasn't!
Maybe add an [And] before [I fell out of the clouds - hard.] <---Great ending line!!
Dang...I have to leave right now, or else I'd continue.

Overall:
You have incredibly believable characters and dialogue. The premise is interesting, and you start off with a bang! Literally. :) I'm very intrigued and you managed to capture my attention very quickly, and you kept it, which isn't always easy to do. I love the relationships between Ella and her friends, as well as Ryan. The flow and writing are great. I think my only suggestion writing wise would be to add a tad bit more descriptions during the dialogue. I like to see what the character is seeing while she's talking. However, I love this! And it's going on my picks! :)

Great work! :)

GirlInTheBeanie

wrote 141 days ago

that's awesome-- the new bits, i mean. awesome. =.=

TomW

wrote 151 days ago

Prologue (Inkpop 1)...

modified a bit - just go with "modified".

stuttered lamely - bit of a "duh" moment. We can tell she's stuttering, and making a lame comment, from the words themselves.

I don't think you can "smirk" words.

It sounds like the "mark" is falling back onto the bed with a banging sound. I presume you mean the gun goes bang THEN she falls back.

Whispered quietly. Is a whisper ever not quiet? Lose the "quietly".

Quite tight and tense. Good start.

Chapter 1 (Inkpop 2)...

Do you know how many stories open with someone waking up (especially with an alarm going off)?

I'd cut down on the whole explanation for Dad. She's living with her grandparents, Dad's in Switzerland. We don't need all of this detail here. Drop hints in, if necessary. The full story can come out later.

said blandly, asked eagerly, asserted, grumbled, explained... Said/asked/replied will cover 80% of your needs. The alternatives become noticeable and annoying if over-used. Save them for stuff like shouted, whispered, muttered etc. The adverb forms often tell us what we can already guess from the content of the words themselves.

Try and trim the little summaries of each character who shows up. Stick to the facts that are necessary and/or won't become obvious. For instance, you mention Nathan likes to joke a lot. If this is true, it will become obvious from the conversations he has with Ella. If it doesn't become obvious, then he maybe *doesn't* joke a lot!

The conversation about the dance etc maybe goes on too long. Convey what's necessary to establish character/plot and move on.

Chapter 2...

roof rather than ceiling for the Jeep.

outpourINGs.

WILL shoot you. I think you can use italics rather than capitals.

Chill ran up spine - bit cliche. Also, a bit underwhelming when you've got a gun pointed at you. She should be sh*tting herself! Show us!

"I don't know, Christy," I said doubtfully. This is a classic duh moment. "I don't know" surely indicates she's doubtful.

smiled unconsciously - if she's not aware of it, then you can't be sticking in her pov by mentioning it. Maybe say she found herself smiling without intending to - something like that.

Overall: Ok, time interrupts further reading for the moment, but this is quite entertaining, the above quibbles notwithstanding. It's not as tight as it could be, but it's closer than most on Inkpop. A couple of times I felt the conversations went on too long, and possibly you introduce too many characters too quickly. Though I suppose the conversations help us get used to the characters...

Obviously, we're still wondering at this point how the prologue ties into it, but presumably the gang and/or Alex have something to do with it. The blurb promises plenty of adventures to come, with an interesting twist with Ella getting sucked into the gang.

I shall give you a pick and wish you all the best with it for now.

Regards,

TomW

Fearless18

wrote 157 days ago

This is....amazing. I was captivated by this story. You had twist and turns, and all these different events that as a reader I didn't expect. Just wow and the last line. It gave me chills. I really really really want to read more. Perfect time for a sequel or just continue with it :) Please

Sweetheart

wrote 157 days ago

I just finished the prologue. Smooth pacing, clear prose, and nice tension throughout. The only area where your writing faltered was the dialogue of the victim. It was very cliche, and didn't do anything to give us a glimpse into this woman's personality. For example, if she was a sort used to being the dominating, in control figure, her dialogue would reflect that.

KDBDanielle

wrote 160 days ago

So oringnal! I love the last line of the prolouge...

"I'm not insane."

Amazing job. I can tell you're not afraid to explore all options and spill a little blood in between. I believe this would be a very nice additon to ten-lit. Good work!!

casey261

wrote 163 days ago

Your story is really well written. the storyline is fresh and interesting. I like how you begin right away, not adding unneccesary details and excessive background information. Your prologue is one the few that can stay where it is because it fits well. I really like this book and I will return to read more. :)

MIC

wrote 163 days ago

Fun that you throw us right into the action …

“Their target tonight (that night)”---trying to keep it in past tense

“His fingers flew across (the?) controls”

“No dice”---liked this

“But not paranoid enough”—hah! Great …

“her surgically smoothed face”---love it

“Sort of”---great voice

“If I didn’t get up soon, I was going to …”----you can cut this out, we already got this from the ‘sort of’

The background with the father seems too much right here in the early morning … maybe add it later?

“Who I knew more than I wanted to”---good

“Even that loser what’s his face as president?”---great dialogue

“addictingness”---hah! Nice made up word … great for teens ☺

There's definitely some great moments in here. You're off to a good start! You've got some
great voice moments, great dialogue moments ... and yeah, for one who is usually opposed to
prologues, keep this. I think it adds mystery to what appears to be a normal teen-tale in the
first chapter :)

Kes Loves You

wrote 165 days ago

Please, please, please un-italicize your prolouge! Gah! No offense, nothing against you, but I really dislike the italics for long periods of time, and this is maybe the 5th project in an hour that I've read with that! :P Otherwise I like it, it is very defined, tough, and fresh. Very nice.

Tirzah Thompson

wrote 166 days ago

Tirzah Thompson

wrote 166 days ago

Char Marie Adles

wrote 167 days ago

WOW...I LOVE THIS!!!!! I only saw like a few mistakes, but WHO CARES????? This story is a great one, i didn't really know what to think \, bu this is one of my fave :)

Herald Angus Penn

wrote 167 days ago

The prologue fits! Don't get rid of it. And it's rare for me to say that. It hooked me in because it's in such contrast to the first chapter. I couldn't wait to read more into what was going on there. The concept is so fascinating and really quite inventive.

This is such an easy, enjoyable read. Your paragraph lengths and sentence structures allow the story to flow so well. I don't think I was halted once while reading and that is very rare! Ella's narration is a real treat too. You use her voice wonderfully to develop the other characters. Finally, the way you write action is superb and gripping. I don't think I have a single complaint. This will find a home on my picks list once I rotate again.
-H.A

Jeremie Guy

wrote 168 days ago

Hey, anytime I see someone that uses a prologue I always ask them to question why they are using it. Often times its not needed and they can work the prologue into the main meat of the story. It's not illegal to use them, but ask yourself it it's needed. I like this story but I don't like the way it started. I think you could start the story on a more exciting note than the alarm clock going off. You're a talented writer and I know you have it in you. Good job establishing the family early on though =). Overall I thought dialog and character development was your strongest suit. You've done a magnificent job at organizing this story around your character and I can't wait to read more ;-)

Damian McCright

wrote 174 days ago

I love this story. I was hooked from the get go.

plutoisaplanet

wrote 176 days ago

oh my gosh!!!!! major cliffhanger at the end of chapter 23 has my heart pounding!!!!!!! please please keep writing!!!! i'm addicted now!!! you are such a talented writer :)

GirlInTheBeanie

wrote 176 days ago

...more? =.=

bookworm2

wrote 177 days ago

this is so good. it's such a good plot and it's funny too. i really like Ella and Nathan; i think they're very funny. i even admire Christyand Miranda at times.

geekygirl

wrote 178 days ago

I'm offiacaially addicted ! Going on my picks asap !

simply.sabrina

wrote 178 days ago

Oh my goodness, this is amazing! The plot is so engrossing, I could not stop reading! PLEASE update this, I NEED to know how it ends!

One quick note, in chapter 7 it says she trained till 8, but then she says it is 7:30...

CRAZY1568

wrote 178 days ago

I really love this book please update soon i have to fined out how it ends

kevinwong_HoD

wrote 178 days ago

My goodness, this is such an original story! And it is very mature, gritty, and I am amazed that a writer as young as yourself developed this tale. It is remarkable! Your title and pitch reads very well, and your writing is smooth. I am proud to pick your book for my list! Please keep up this great work! :-)

Your fellow writer and friend in Canada,

Kevin Wong
Author of Heroes of Destiny