inkpop: Black - Candra's world is consumed by the fear of a tyrant ruler who can read every thought, and owns every life.

kevinwong_HoD

wrote 4 days ago

This is a fascinating story. I love the pitch and the title - very catchy! Your dialogue is excellent. Makes me feel the drama. Well done! :-)

I recommend calling The Lord of Black, the Black Lord. It's shorter and sounds better I think. Plus, over the course of your book, you will reduce extra words, because every time it is 'the Black Lord' rather than 'the Lord of Black', you are deleting lots and lots of words. It will thus make your story easier to read and quicker to absorb. Do a Find and Replace All command in MS Word or whatever word processing program you are using to make The Lord of Black, the Black Lord. Remember to click on Match Case so the capital letters are taken into account / replaced accordingly.

Overall, I like what you have done here. Please continue working on your piece! :-)

Your fellow writer and friend,

Kevin Wong
Author of Heroes of Destiny

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Kemo93

wrote 13 days ago

IT's well written and discriptive. The picture yo ucreate is quite vivid. But i can't say that I like the book, it's not that it's bad or anything close to that it's just not my type of book. Still well done.
-K

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Mindy MacKay

wrote 15 days ago

I must say, the sensory perceptions in this piece are exceptionally vivid. Nice use of onomatopoea (sp?) I love your writing style!

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Jimmy Candlestick

wrote 15 days ago

hmm...I've only read the first chapter. It's fascinating, I'm not sure what to think of this Lord of Black. I look forward to read some more, when I have time.

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FeatherWriter

wrote 16 days ago

Your writing skills are fantastic. I caught very few mistakes:

Chapter One
THE OFFERING:

A chill swept over me. at the top of a set of three steps, - “over me. At the top”

The voice: so clear, but so quiet, so masculine, but voiceless, so cold, but burned into my mind. – I’m having trouble imagining a voiceless voice. Maybe change this bit, a little?

when we crossed the threshold into our house, - “When we crossed the threshold into our house,”

“What’s wrong with her?!” – It is not correct to use a question mark and exclamation mark together. Not in the more serious forms of writing, anyway. The interrobang – which isn’t a very common punctuation, but is accepted – can be used if you can’t decide between the exclamation and question marks. (‽) I have my auto-correct on my Word program set to replace “!?” with “‽” automatically, since there isn’t a key for it.

I heard the blanket being torn off of my bed. – “I heard the blanket being torn off my bed.” It works just fine without the “of.”

Keep up the great work. The story, so far, is very gripping. This is going on my picks. :) I’ll be back for more as soon as I can.

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WolfHeart93

wrote 22 days ago

awesome! i loved this!

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Daybreaker

wrote 31 days ago

A HUGE YAY for happy endings! :D I'm at work and I'm grinning my head off right now :)

However, Mark and Candra's relationship is not very deep. I'd like to see more before he asks her, such as maybe him being patient with all of her questions about the King that she thinks he'll be irritated with, maybe her doing something (decorating? idk) she hopes he will enjoy, etc. And perhaps an answer to Candra's question why would Mark agree to take her into his family--because the King accepted him into his family, etc.

Now that it's all finished, I have a few things to say which have to deal with the story as a whole, in no particular order...

The metaphor was pretty obvious from the point at which the lady in white came in singing about the True King. You can decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. The other thing is that in the Christian fiction genre, there is a HUGE book called "Black" by Ted Dekker which is also a metaphor for mankind's spiritual history (it starts off the Circle trilogy which contains the books Black, Red, and White). I realize that this would require a lot of editing, but if you're marketing this to Christians, then I would try to come up with a symbol that is not a color. Or if it is, perhaps the contrast is between colors and the lack of color--that is, red and green and blue and yellow etc. along with black and white vs. only black, gray, and white. If you're going to market this to non-Christians, then I think your metaphor is fine, although some people are going to say, "I wonder how black-skinned or dark-skinned people would fit in here?"

And finally, there is a LOT of this story that is just Candra kind of talking to herself, that's just her thoughts. You do a WONDERFUL job with this! Normally if a story had this much of a character talking to herself, I'd be bored out of my mind, but you keep it interesting somehow (I'm trying to figure out exactly how so I can make my characters' thoughts a bit more interesting). However, I think it might be refreshing to change things up a bit and have some scenes where her thoughts are not included, but her train of thought is inferred through her actions. For example, you could show that she was afraid by having her flinch or jump at a sound, etc., or if she wonders what someone will think, you write that she glances their way.

This flowed really well--I don't know what you mean when you said the chapters got weird, everything seemed to stay consistent.

That was a very cool adventure, I'm glad I was able to go along for the ride. :D And so cool to think that we don't have to fear God, even though he's more powerful and awesome than the Lord of Black, in the way that Candra feared the Lord of Black. The True King is good. :)

Again, I would do a search through your document for "you're" because you use it instead of "your" quite a bit.

Beg for a sequel? Persecution didn't stop with Jesus... ;D

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Boredbrain

wrote 31 days ago

I like stories with original premises; Well Done! Lord Black is a little easy though--I would try to bounce around some eviler names for this character. Maybe space the paragraphs out? Makes it easier to read. Really, though, this is pretty awesome. I'll be back for more chapters!

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Boredbrain

wrote 31 days ago

I like stories with original premises; Well Done! Lord Black is a little easy though--I would try to bounce around some eviler names for this character. Maybe space the paragraphs out? Makes it easier to read. Really, though, this is pretty awesome. I'll be back for more chapters!

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Broadway Baby

wrote 32 days ago

This is pretty interesting. And Candra is a beautiful name. :) The story takes a bit long to get going, though. I would suggest cutting the prologue, since the story is strong enough to stand alone. We don't need the prologue to set the stage, you do that well enough in the first chapter.

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Daybreaker

wrote 32 days ago

O_O

Cameo's breakdown is heartbreaking. And Candra... I do not want to wait patiently for an update. GARRR WHAT HAPPENS...!!!! This is so sad and so tense and so super awesome!!!

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L.C.Candle

wrote 33 days ago

Using words multiple times really tends to emphasize things if you use them in the right way. I think perhaps, you would get your point better across if you switched up the words and opened up the vocabulary a bit more in the story, by this I mean, ditch the word cold and try and express it differently. I like the mystery and the intensity that you are showing through the story. My other comment resides more with format. I think it would be easier to read and better on the eyes if you go back and put a good space between paragraphs to make the break more clear. This also makes the words seem less overbearing. But that's just a format thing. I see a little punctuation errors here and there, that's okay- no one is perfect. Typically I don't read things like this, but this was pretty good-gotta admit! :D Way to go!

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Evie J

wrote 33 days ago

The prologue was AWESOME! One of the best I've read because it immediately drew me in! Sometimes people draw prologues out too much, but you didn't and you immediately grabbed me. Great job on that! I just finished Chapter 1 and I only found a few mistakes (spelling and some comma/grammatical errors), but it's really good! I'll be back to read some more when I have more time! Great work!!!

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Vargot

wrote 34 days ago

First of all the prologue pulled me right in. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect with this, but I was pleasantly surprised. You relay Candra's emotions and fears very well in your writing. You're a pro with the details and I could picture every moment clearly. Your characters relate well with each other and the dialogue doesn't feel forced or out of place. Good job with that and all the luck with this on inkpop. I think it will do really well!

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simplysnazzy

wrote 35 days ago

Gah! This story is so amazing! The whole time I've been on the edge of my seat, just waiting for the Lord of Black to flip out on Candra. This is great and I'm adding it to my pick list. :)

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Daybreaker

wrote 35 days ago

You need to go back and look for places where you used "you're" when it should be "your."

As always, on the edge of my seat...the allegory is wonderful. I recoil as Candra is wayyy pushing it with the Lord of Black...yikes!!! I'm scared for her.

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Sullen Doe

wrote 36 days ago

I've read the first two chapters. The first chapter, it was was brilliantly suspenseful. Chandra's descriptions of the Lord of Black, her fear practically transferred over to me. I was shaking in my seat, and you're certainly a talented writer. The descriptions, the words you chose, they all fit the story well giving it an almost kind of fantasy kind of feel. I can imagine everything. How obedient everyone is, their complete belief in this Lord gives me chills. The cleansing ritual gave me shivers, and you're just plain talented at describing stuff.

There are a couple things that bothered me though: In the first few paragraphs you use the word "sanctuary" a lot, and it seems a bit repetitive. But if that was done intentionally, then sorry but in my opinion it just seems to be used way too many times. You also seem to have quite a bit of run-ons. But besides that I didn't see anything wrong:))

This is definitely going on my picks so I can read some more when I'm done with all the read swaps I promised..
Review back and read//pick my book Secretly Fallen
--Doe

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Daybreaker

wrote 36 days ago

Chapter 9 is wonderful. I'd forgotten Candra was supposed to get the chain. Methinks Mark is going to kill her if Alex doesn't come out... O_o And methinks Candra might consider that possibility while she's waiting for Alex. I'm also thinking that if Cameo knew everything Candra did, she'd tell her it was for the best if Alex didn't come out, because then Candra wouldn't have to worry about her feelings for him. I don't think you should include that in Candra's thoughts, but it's a sign that your characters are well-developed. :)

Mark says, "What do you think your doing?" instead of "What do you think you're doing?"

The last bit about her not seeing beauty is really cool.

Btw thanks for looking at my poems!

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heartdamoose

wrote 37 days ago

wow. what an interesting idea for a story. Your writing and plot reminds me a lot of Louis Lowry. Like the Giver and Gathering Blue. It's very pure, simple, and yet remarkably complex!

Keep it up!!

Oh, also. In the prologue. The last sentence, add a colon. :)

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Daybreaker

wrote 37 days ago

AAAAAAUUUGGGHHH

You like cliff-hanger endings to your chapters. *twitch* :)

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Carter Storm

wrote 39 days ago

Wow. I read the first 2 chapters and already I'm hooked. What does the Lord of Black want from her? oooh it's so tempting to read the rest right now! hehe.
--yours truly--> Carter Storm

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Daybreaker

wrote 39 days ago

I would think that Candra would accuse Mark of not having respect for the Lord of Black when he says she's blinded by fear. She'd at least start to repeat everything she's heard about righteous fear, etc.

Waiting to see what the Lord of Black has in mind is very suspenseful.

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Daybreaker

wrote 39 days ago

Poor Candra... :'( Poor, poor Candra...

I wanna give her a hug...

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!books!

wrote 40 days ago

I love the way you show the relationships between the characters. You have a gift for writing. You detail is impressive and I love the descriptions in you work. Good job.

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Daybreaker

wrote 41 days ago

SO glad you updated! I've been checking. :)

When you come back for a second draft, Candra and Alex's relationship needs a little work up to Forgiveness. I did not see it coming whatsoever, but from this point it's pretty cool--Candra and Alex are sweet and happy for the moment, but there are definite ominous undertones here...I love all the psychological stuff going on, it's really--maybe I'm overusing the word "cool" here...

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Sammi207

wrote 41 days ago

This is one of my favorite things I've read on this site. It really is amazing. The pitch was attention catching. The premise is fantastic. The only thing that you might need to work on is some of the dialogue; it can be a little stiff at times. Overall, thuogh, it is amazing!

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darkestlight

wrote 41 days ago

I thought you did a wonderful job on this book. I loved how in your short prologue you managed to hook your readers in with the details of the Lord of Black. He seems so mysterious and intriguing. And that last line of the prologue was very nicely done. You definitely had me wanting more of the story.

I thought that you did a wonderful job with the descriptions. Everything that Candra did I could picture clearly with vivid details. I could hear the sounds of the footsteps. You had a way with details and that simply drew me into your story. I think that you can tighten some of your sentences. Occasionally I thought there were some words that could be left out or sentences that could be reworded. I loved that you allowed us to see what Candra is thinking and how she feels. And how it goes against what everyone else believes or feels. That really shows us how Candra is different from everyone else.

I liked how you did the scene with the witch. It was descriptive and I could picture everything happening clearly. The conversations are easy to read and follow. I loved seeing how your characters interact with one another through the dialogues. It shows their personality clearly. I could definitely imagine them speaking to each other and describing things to one another. Again, a wonderful job with the descriptions.

Overall, I enjoyed what you have written so far. I loved how you allowed us to experience everything that Candra is experiencing. We know her thoughts and her fears as well as she does. I could imagine the scene clearly too. That was very nicely done. The end of your chapters always keeps me wanting more. Anyways, a couple of suggestions. I would try to tighten up some of your sentences to make your words flow a little better. It might be easier for your readers to read your story too if the paragraphs were more separated. Other than that, I felt that you did a fantastic job writing this book. I am dying to know what happens next and more about this mysterious yet creepy Lord of the Black. I can't wait to see how this story develops. Let me know when you update. And keep up the good work

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flying2far4u

wrote 42 days ago

I LOVE THIS!!!
I didn't really know what to expect, yet you've pulled me into a world full of mystery and horror and beauty all in one! I'm am SO in love with this story- it's absolutely gorgeous. I love the character Candra, as well as both Mark and Alex, and there's just this sense of fear that I actually feel myself whenever the Lord of Black is mentioned- you just express the emotion so well! I can honestly say I adore this! Please write more soon! =)

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Daybreaker

wrote 43 days ago

WOW! I want to read more! This is awesome! I really don't have anything I can think of to critique...the constant state of having to second-guess one's thoughts has ME nervous...

Great job! Please write more.

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neonsun245

wrote 43 days ago

FANTASTIC!! I'm definitely going to read the rest!!

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Chelsea Reese

wrote 43 days ago

This will most definetly work its way towards the top, you ae superb. i love finding well written work like this....THANK YOU

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drsheridan

wrote 43 days ago

very well done! i've only read the first chapter but i'm already intrigued by the Lord of Black--he has an almost Wizard-of-Oz feel about him. very mysterious and well-written, this is a pick for sure!
all the best, Deirdre :)

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cara_ruegg

wrote 43 days ago

very mystical. very well-written. i enjoyed it. the lord of the black sounds very creepy. i loved your characterization and descriptions. I'll add it to my picks when I have room.

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Avonlea

wrote 43 days ago

Very good. Gramaticaly, your writing could use a little work, but content-wise this is great. It's very readable, and I can already see it in book form. Nice work.

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Sourichan

wrote 43 days ago

This world is very interesting! The way that people have to control their minds and how the Black Lord can tell everything they are thinking. I can't wait to read the rest of it!

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xemmawhyx

wrote 43 days ago

Amazing! This is exceptional! It should be a LOT more popular :)
Am going to read the rest tommorrow

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Dark_Angel0216

wrote 43 days ago

I like it! let me know when you upload more. Kudos to you, excellent work!!!
-Dark Angel

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Dark_Angel0216

wrote 43 days ago

Wow... i'm definitly intruiged, and i've only read the 1st chapter! Very good!

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Shane Northup

wrote 43 days ago

As a rule, I don't like fantasy, but this is exceptionally well done! Very well written, avid description and a taught stor line that is keeping me interested. I'll be honest though, when she went to the witch, I so thought she was going to lose her hand!

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MagicPencil

wrote 43 days ago

YAY! the cover works! thanks for the awesome advice, evertything helps.

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Candyland

wrote 43 days ago

This is told very well. The only thing I'd suggest is changing some of the "I could not's" (etc) into contractions for smoother reading. Great descriptions!

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MIC

wrote 43 days ago

"I could feel his presence in the air around me"----good

Love the 'click, click, click' paragraph ... it's really well done

"The fear that was practically dancing through me"---loved this

"The touch sent my mind spinning with fear"---good

"And I heard the whisper of his garments as he turned"--great detail here

"The cold, dark clouded sky outside and frigid weather did not help restore my warmth"---I liked this

I love that the fact that she touched his robe was such a big deal!

"And I succumbed to the feverish sleep caused by my own fear of the Lord Black"---oooo!!!!

This is fantastic!!!! I LOVE THIS! I can't wait to continue on ... what a intriguing, dark world
you've created and Lord Black is fascinating ... kind of sexy!!! The writing is wonderful, just the
right amount of detail and description, without taking away from the story. A wonderful read! ~Morgan:)

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MagicPencil

wrote 44 days ago

er...that is not the picture I chose...heads up.

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