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Rank 413 (-12)
Word Count
21090
Date submitted
12.30.2009
Date Updated
07.02.2010
by Mitsomi
Book: Romance, Science Fiction/Fantasy
Cassandra feels like she doesnt fit in with other teenagers. She never expected to catch the attention of the most admired guy at school, Gabriel.
Cassandra has always been the quiet girl no one really minds. She was never good at making friends or socializing. Moving doesnt help her situation. What she never expected was to make friends quickly or catch the attention of the most admired guy at school, Gabriel Haze. He's one of the most handsome guys at school. Mysterious and handsome, he's admired greatly by many of the girls. Too bad he doesnt come to school often. That changes, however, when Cassandra meets a guy in the forest that lies behind her house. That guy turns out to be Gabriel Haze who now loves Cassandra and must protect her from the secret he hides.*OKAY. So I think I finished the editing. If I missed something. Remind me and ill change it. OTher than that, thanks ppl. I will mssg as soon as Midnight is up. KEep COmplaining!*
On 10 Pick Lists
On 21 Watch Lists
60 Comments
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wrote 26 days ago
ok. ok ok.sooo i understand this needs to be re-written? seriously people do you look at other comments. its hard to satisfy everyone since some people like some things and others want me to change it. maybe i should rewrite this since i did write this many many years ago (when i was twelve to be exact) if anybody read haze, it is better written cause i wrote it like two years after haze. lalalalaoh. so i mightrewrite cause i do agree this needs much more detail. ill see what i do. merci beaucoup for your comments people. i will try to incorparate all opinions on change. *sighs* this is going to be a long summer.peace :D
wrote 193 days ago
Hey. Not that you care and all but I thought I should let you know im done with Haze. YAy!! Im finally done. Now I have to start typing the sequel Midnight. O-O;
I actually really liked this. I think it would have been a lot better if you had added some more descriptive things, you know, showing and not telling and all that crap, and I can't say that the whole vampire thing is original, but I think you did a good job with it because you kind of added your own twist. I think it would have been cool if you had some more Astrid bitchiness though. :) But anyways, it was really good! Now I must go see if you've put the sequel up yet....because cliffhangers are mean. ;)
wrote 27 days ago
Chapter one {Snow}:{It's} cold!" shrieked Lily..."Okay," she said{,} and skipped...I didn't have many friends {where} I used to live{,} so I didn't mind moving.Robert and Lily were building a snowman{,} while Lewis...Chapter Two {School}:"Its" should be changed to {it's}> "{It's} cold"> " {It's} not hard.I knew he was{,} but {I} didn't feel like giving in to it.{Relived} should be changed to {Relieved}"Good luck," whispered Robert [no comma] as he passed me.I {head} to my locker.He was the most handsome boy I {HAVE} ever seen. > Nothing to report on Chapter three{News}Chapter Four {The forest}:I {thought} of it as a stupid idea since I have never met Gabriel Haze{,} and yet I thinking about him day and night.Lily {was} in schoolAllusion = illusion?He stared at me{,} surprised."Leonardo Demetri, explain {yourself}!" he yelled.Favourite line so far: Gabriel shrugged and looked away. "I seriously don't know," he whispered.{You're} like {the} angel Gabriel.Overall: An apostrophe is used to show where letters have been left out:It is = it'sExample: "It is nice here," I said <---- that can be = "It's nice here," I said.[It's] is the contraction of "it is".This is great. I loved your MC, Cassandra. I like how she is different from everybody else and not the same. I love, I love, I love. That's all I can think of about everything in this. I don't think I really have anything bad to say about this.I only want to continue reading to find out what happens next.:)Picked, definitely.:)Fabulous job.~Ricki
wrote 28 days ago
I’m bored. I need something to read. I need picks. You can return the read if you want, but you’re not swapping with me. I’m letting you know only so you don’t feel obligated to return this.Can you describe the snow a tiny bit more? make me feel it. I’m a Texan. I love my snow. Make everyone else love it too.“its cold”—“it’s”Describe the new house a little bit.Describe the characters a tiny bit. You also introduce three of them in about two paragraphs, and that’s really confusing. It’s best to drag it out. Also, we don’t know what any of them look like.I also can’t tell how old the characters are. Either let me know through dialogue and actions, or just straight out say “something-year-old” Lily/Robert/Lewis.Also, where do they live? I’m a tiny bit confused. xP.“Its great”—“it’s.”“Its nice”—“it’s.”“It’s” is “It is.” If you can say “It is,” you need an apostrophe in “it’s.”The comma after “I replied” should be a period.“There was nothing I felt like doing”—have her consider things she’d normally like to do, then decide not to do them. That will make us feel your character more.Also, I feel like I’m standing outside the house watching all this happen. Pull me into the house, put me inside Cassie’s head.“making it seemed mysterious”—“giving off a mysterious aura.”“Sure. Just don’t get lost, Cassandra.” This wording of dialogue sounds better.Same thing with it’s again.I said—probably better as protest. “I can take care of myself,” I protested. Just as I said this, I tripped (over what?)It’s very abrupt when you say she froze. Help us know why.15—just write it out as a number. Fifteen.Same thing with “its” again. It’s “It’s.”“handsome”—very cliché and annoying word. Use something else. Just “handsome” sounds a bit juvenile.Interesting. Well. I’m trying to decide whether or not to pick this… and the answer is yes because your grammar doesn’t make me want to stab your story with a red pen. However, please do add in more description, don’t let the first chapter go by so fast. I’m still left a very confused person right now. xP. Hope my comment was helpful, and I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings at any point. I didn’t mean to, I just want this story to be better. Alright then, I’m done yapping. Happy writing!
wrote 29 days ago
I liked your story, it was good and entertaining. I liked your characters they were good and werent exaggerated on their looks or personality. I didn't like how we never found out Cassie's secret. It should have been told since that was the focus if the story. Also that they 'fell in love' too fast and we didn't get to see it. From one paragraph to the next she loved him, a chapter later he loved her. Try to show them bonding and talking so that we can see the 'connection' grow. Your story felt really fast pace and I think you should try adding more details and scenes, it can make the story longer, more interesting, and it gives the reader a chance to see more of the characters. We don't really get a chance to see to much of them. I liked the plot and how you gave little hints that he was..nt human, I liked how you just didn't throw it out. I'm glad I read this and it was fun to read.-Ashley[:♥
wrote 31 days ago
I loved chapter one. It was a perfect beginning, sucking me in, making me want to read on. I especially like the first paragraph. This is a great story!
wrote 56 days ago
This is a really good story and i love that i can read it pretty fast! There are a few misspelled words that i noticed. but that's not that big of a deal! I hope that i get to read the next one soon!!
wrote 84 days ago
I like everything about this. Cassie, along with all your other characters are really three-dimentional. Letting the reader know her dad died at the beginning was sad. Great description of the snow and surroundings, but you might want to describe their new home more. Her interactions with her brothers and sister are really natural. I like Haylie, she's fun.I like the pace, you don't rush things too quickly. I only noticed a couple things you might want to look at. *There was nothing really I felt like doing. ~ There was really nothing I felt like doing. It sounds better.*You describe Cassie as having light tan ivory skin. Ivory is very pale, so it can either be light tan or ivory.That's pretty much it, and they're easy fixes. Great story! :)Diane
wrote 87 days ago
“It also makes you cold; makes animals starve, and could freeze you to death.”—I think this in a grammar issue. It would be better as “It also makes you cold and makes animals starve; and you could freeze to death because of it.”“Its cold.”—“Its” is possessive. So this should be “(it is) it’s cold”.I want to know what the house looks like! You describe it as “our new house”, but is it a dilapidated mansion, a small cottage, what does it look like? “help us with the move”—This is a matter of preference, but I like “help us move in” (but since this is your work it’s your choice).“many friends were I use to live”—“where”.“ ‘Its nice here.’ I said”—the same “it” problem occurs here. Also, there should be a comma where the period is: “It’s nice here,” I said.“ ‘I don’t feel like it right now,’ I said, ‘I think I will go upstairs and explore around.’”—I have this problem also: after the “said” there should be a period, not a comma. You have completed the first though (I don’t feel like it right now) so you need a period before you continue with the dialogue. Also “I will” sounds really formal—not how I would expect someone to speak. It’s good it the narration, but in dialogue it feels too…forced. I would just say, “I’ll go upstairs”. One more thing: people don’t “explore around”. People just “explore”.“I climbed the stairs to the second floor and walked into my room.”—I want to know what her room looks like! I don’t feel like I’m there with Cassie because I don’t know what her room or the house looks. I feel like an outsider—but I want to be inside the story! I want to be part of it. “There was nothing really I felt like doing.”—I’d lose the “really”. Adverbs tend to clutter up a piece of work and detract from it. “A slight haze”—ooh the books namesake…“A slight haze surrounded them, making it seemed mysterious”—first, “them” and “it” are referring to the woods (correct?) so they should agree: “A slight haze surround them, making them…” Or if is “it” referring to something else? In which case you have a vague pronoun. Second, “making it seemed” should be “making it seem”.“We walked into the woods together. In there, it seemed…”—I don’t think you need the “In there”. Instead you could have “We walked into the woods together; it seemed. “about 15 feet”—always right out you’re numbers! (just a rule)“skin as pale as snow”—yes, my first thought was vampire *shamed face* but anyway, I loved that description and how it connects to the rest of the chapter.I’m sorry if this came off as me harping on you. I just like saving the things I liked for last. So here goes: I like Cassandra’s character, which is the most important part—in my opinion. If I don’t like the MC, I will shut the book (or click away) even if it has a decent idea. I don’t want to be stuck reading about some obnoxious, whiny girl or some equally annoying MC. I also like relating to the characters, which I felt I could do with Cassandra especially when she said: “Warm weather was suffocating for me”. I hate warm weather; it’s so, as you said, suffocating. So great job making Cassandra into a believable/real and likeable character. I also like this mysterious, handsome boy. Though the story hasn’t lifted off yet, I like the direction that it is going in. It’s intriguing and I want to know more—which is always a good thing! Besides from a few grammatical mistakes, you just need to work on description, but the ideas and characters are there which is half the battle.
wrote 90 days ago
Hmm.. I like the way you started it and ended it. You have great dialogue, character description, and plot line. You have a nice steady pace. This is well written, and really good! I liked how you ended your story with a cliff hanger, nicely done. I will put this on my picks when a spot opens!
wrote 116 days ago
i like the beginin when she talks about how snow is so beautiful but yet so dangerous, that was neat =)
well imma start readin ur book because it seems real intrestin....idk if u wanna swap if u do let me know!-Nastassija
wrote 135 days ago
Dude! You can't be serious! How could you end it like that??!! Not fair!! This was really good. There were a few spelling errors here and there but nothing that can't be fixed. This was seriously a good read!Great Work-ClumsyGurrl
wrote 150 days ago
Creative opening. Makes the reader interested right away. I really like your characters. They keep you interested. Nice, creative plot. Congrats on finishing. I'm not quite done reading but will be back.
wrote 151 days ago
Interesting take on snow in the first paragraph. I like how you began with her opinion and sense of character. "It's cold!" Lily says. I think in this line you could say something funny or cute, rather than the rather bland line you have now. Of course it's cold. This bit of dialogue is a chance to make the readers get a sense of little Lily or the story.Nicely paced so far. "I think I will go upstairs and explore around" explore around? those words dont seem right together. Either take out around or replace explore with look.You also use the word 'explore' a few sentences later."Cassie, your note famous for being safe," while I really like this line, it should be 'you are'OooO suspensful ending! Well done. Glad it have it on my picks
wrote 153 days ago
It seems like an interesting start. I don't have the attention span to finish reading anything in one sitting. Anyhow, I liked how the start of the chapter talked about snow and ended with snow. It was kind of neat but it was a little over the top corny. That might be becuase I'm pretty much the old hardcore Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Anne Rice fan. Whenever somebody starts talking about skin pale, snow, cold it drives me insane. But that's just a personal thing becuase I couldn't stand Twilight. Anyhow, I liked the name that you chose. Cassandra is one of my favorite names. It's a great name and has a lot of meaning to it (if you like Greek Mythology). Also I love the name Lewis but not normally, only in this piece. At first I was like ew but then when a little more was revealed about his character, it seeemd to fit a lot. Also Lily is an adorable name. :)Oh...also...love the title. Haze. It's what originally caught my attention.
wrote 154 days ago
Wow... I love the note she left.... The only thing I can't stand about Cassie is the fact she didn't understand Gab when he told her he was a vampire... Out of everyone in the story, she should have been the one to understand because she knows what it feels like to different... Spelling needs work...you kept spelling 'where' as 'were'... confusing...
wrote 156 days ago
OMG!! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE IT LIKE THAT!!!! this is really goood. The plot is nice, occasionally you go a little fast, but other than that it is wicked good!! I couldnt stop reading it! haha.
^_^ No words.
wrote 157 days ago
so far, so good. great story line in the 2 chapters i've been able to read. i'll get to more tomorrow! but i like what i see so far. i haven't really read enough to leave a thorough comment, so be looking for a better one from me! thanks for the swap!
first part we know that snow is beautiful and dangerous- you already stated that"my brother tackled my cusin as he got out of the car" can be changed to "once he got out of the car" you dont have to change it but theres alot of "as (action)".klutzy-ness is a little bella swan-ish dont you think?girl after boy is a little twilight-ish too....(gosh im sorry i feel like a bitch for pointing it all but trust me im doing this to aid you k? but you never ever have to listen to a word i say)the good stuff : you're pretty good with detail. thats your strong point. also you can charatorize your chars pretty quickly which is another strong point.good job k? :)
wrote 158 days ago
a little twilight-ish, sometimes Hale is spelt differently, september definitely has some good points, and it was kinda funny =.=
wrote 166 days ago
This is so great! I'm so glad I read it. I love your characters and the whole entire storyline that you've got going. It literally draws you in and just when you think you are going to stop and comment, you have to keep going. That is a VERY good thing. The detail is good and the dialogue is nicely done. Congrats on finishing it. That's a huge deal. Great job and good luck with this! Tabatha
wrote 168 days ago
Hey! Glad you asked for a read swap! This is really good and fast paced. A few things...This is only a suggestion but I think you should elaborate more when she first sees the boy. I really wasn't sure if she was scared, confused, excited, blah blah blah.When you say Gabriel Haze, Gabriel Haze Gabriel Haze, it gets a little repetitive. Maybe try calling him Gabriel or Haze once or twice (this was only one or two paragraphs.)There's one paragraph where you use gorgeous twice to describe him. Use your word thesaurus and find a better word, possibly.Other than that I really liked it, and those are just minor problems...good job!
wrote 171 days ago
"right at the moment when i spoke these words, i tripped" - - i like the irony here!I like how her mom calls her Cassandra but mostly everyone else calls her Cassie.My mom calls me Ashley and my friends call me Ash, so I relate to this. its real, nice job."Not like a glare, but how you look at something when you were curious." --it is good that you specified how they were staring. I hate it when people glare! This makes the people seem a little more friendly."Was I going paranoid?" --this should probably be "being paranoid"The word said is a bit repetitive. in grade school we did an activity called said is dead. we looked up different words to use in place of said. everyone does this! i still do it sometimes too.(:"That's where Gabriel haze sits" --Haze should be capitalized here."Your different" should be "You're different" --I do this all the time, so i usually look for it when I read.lol."There are three exremely gorgeous in this school." --Maybe put the world people in here or something? just look over it, it is so easy to leave a word out when youre writing something as great as this!"His gray eyes glistened." --love this line! great description here. I love your word choice. "New spreads quickly here" --so typical of a highschool, love it!The only thing I really saw is there are a lot of simmilarites to Twilight, but if that is what youre going for you did a great job! It pulled me in right from the beginning. I love your chapters! They dont discourage me and make me want to quit reading. They are actually interesting and make me want to read more. and theyre not ten miles long! haha(:Your characters are so interesting! you did a great job on the description of them all, of everything really.Ive only read four chapters, but dont worry, I plan on reading more.welcome to my picks (: -ash;
I just read the first chapter and I really like it. There's a few errors. The main one I saw is 'It[']s.' You often forget the ' in the "It is" parts. There's a few comma errors as well. But it's very nice and the first chapter is an attention-grabbing one, so that's really good. Also, congrats on finishing it. It always feels good when you do. Great work! :)
wrote 172 days ago
Well, I read it...finally! hehe. Okay, i really enjoyed it and i found Cassandra teribly intriguing! (thats in a good way, that is)Okay, there are a few suggestions.1) There are a few grammatical errors.2) the dialougue seemed sort of out of place - i mean not many people (at least where i live) say everything so formal nowadays. Also, i found what you said after the dailogue ended, "i said," "I replied, "i answered," t(those sort of things) was really repetitive. I mean, when I write, if im sure something will be ovbvious that person said it, I dont even bother writing a "he said, she said".3) I noticed one paragraph in chapter one that i think could use some work. It sounded choppy and sort of...i dont know, rough, I'll have to leave another comment explaining which one it is because I'm still on chapter 17, hehe. I can go on and explain what i think could be improved. Well, you started alot of your sentences with "I". It got realy repetitive and i think you could lise the readers attention that way.4) (I think someone already mentioned this), Okay, so it sort of sounded alot like Twilight. It seems like everyone jumped on the Vampire badwagon right after Twilight got big. I mean, its okay to write about vampires, but all through chapter three i kept thinink about Twilight. I'm sure with some work, you can def. fix this, this is already unique as it is! The good points.1) I've never read anything about Vampires and Cannabalism related somehow. That was really cool and was probably what kept me interested for so long.2) You really knew how to draw me in without really, well, i dont know how to explain it, but you drew me in with the whole depression of her fathers death.3) your style of writing really caught me off guard. It was unique.4) you ended the chapters at really awesome suspense points. It made me want to go to the next one.5) the chapters are short and i didnt feel too overwhelmed!!I'm glad i read this!--yours truly--> Carter Storm
I've read chapter one. This is very intriguing to me. I like this theory. It has a chilling yet homely feel to it. Your dialogue seemed a little stiff but I'm not sure about that exactly. Overall you have a wonderful writing style and a fabulous story line :)~Ally(Sarah Elliot)
Very good! Whoa! When I make room for my pick list this one is going there!
wrote 173 days ago
Wasn't sure if my last post went in it didn't seem like it I hate my internet connection. Anyhoodles, good voice for the story, the discriptions are good, but can use some work in some areas, I found the dialouge to be too much, a little out there, try to keep the dialouge to a minimal and focus on catching your readers with your words. I like the concept very much, I've only read two chapters so far but I'll be putting it on my watch list, Good job on it and great work! Please take the time if you can to read White Wings, and sorry again if this turns out to be a double post.. hehe
wrote 174 days ago
I LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!A MUST READ BOOKKEEP ON WRITING.
i only had time for the first chapter, but im definatley going to read more. i loved the beginning. my favorite part was when she walked into the woods and saw the boy but lewis couldn't. my guess is a ghost? but it creeped me out. good job :)
wrote 175 days ago
wow great imagery. you have an engaging writing style. i really like it. ive only read chapter one so far, and i g2g right now, but ill be back for more later haha XD
wrote 178 days ago
I love ur book i could not stop reading it...... You should get this published... If so i will b ur number1 fan lol Extrodinary Job........
wrote 182 days ago
I only read the first two chapters, but its so good. --Kirsten
wrote 185 days ago
hi MitsomiI love your writing style and you have a great presence within your writing. i flew through the first 10 ish chapters. excellent writing and imagery. you have great potential in conversations but after reading it I want to let you know it's a great story but to be honest by chapter 3 i was already feeling it might be too similiar to twilight. again, please don't take offense it has a great voice but please take another run through. i've been reading all over the place that the vamp thing is flooding the market and inorder to get a vamp book published it has to be something really unique and fresh. From what i have read You have the potential to tweak this and maybe change the storyline a bit here and there, add some suspense so people will feel your rich story telling. If you've read this far and are still talking to me, i hope you'll consider letting me read it again later.i hope this helpsd;
wrote 189 days ago
omg! i loved it! i cant wait till the sequel!
wrote 190 days ago
I love this. I completely feel in love with it in the opening chapter, it has a gorgeous dream like quality to it. Your writing is beautifully light and trips along a really comfortable reading pace. I love the characters and the visual you give us. Cassandra is an adorable charactor and her family are really likable. As a reader I cared for them and their story. Then we have all the drool worthy hotties..... yum. I'm upto chapter 6 and really REALLY love this. I can't leave this with out mentioning the dreaded 'T' word... I hate saying it, but there a few similarites that you could tweek so as not to draw attention to them. When the lush Haze boy throws Cassandra on his back and runs throught the forrest, I was screaming NO! because up until then it was perfection. If I were you I'd find another mode of transport (so to speak) even a different way of holding her.Love this. Totaly going on my picks.The very best of luck with this.Leigh
wrote 192 days ago
You've got a great talent for putting your readers on edge. I love the suspense and all the drama.
on my picks :)
Ooh, I'm really curious on who Cassie is now. Is she human? She smells blood. Is she some other mythical creature?I wonder what Rob knows. (And what the dad knew)Good job :)Let me know when you have the sequel up!
okay this was completly AMAZING! god u must add more! i finished it in one sitting! now keep writing!!☺
hi therei added haze to my reading list.i hope you'll have a chance to read The Immortals: Changelingd;
wrote 195 days ago
I have only read the first chapter but this is great! I love how you alert the reader to when it is and who everyone is etc at the very beginning! It saves a lot of hastle :)
I love the opening! It was really interesting, and the plot is cool. Some of what you wrote was kind of cliche though, like Twilight, although I like these characters. You also had some grammatical errors (using your when you're was needed, etc.)
verry intriguingg ! kinda like twilight, but better already. cassandra seems like a likable character when bella, well isnt so much. i thinkk you should talk more about the dad, its kinda only glazed over. and explain why ur cousin lives with you. but otherwisee the first two chapters are greatt and ill read more later !
wrote 198 days ago
OH my i love this story! great plost line! kindof reminds me of twilight a little, but is very diffrent! I cant wait for more!
I love the opening to the book. This is pretty interesting so far. I'm going to add this to my watch list so I can come back and read some more later.
now i'm curious why she can smell blood. what's different about her? can't wait to see why :D
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