Book Jacket

Rank 4 (+15335)

Word Count

24983

Date submitted

01.03.2010

Date Updated

03.07.2010

The Connotations of Butterflies

by Drowning.Silently.

Book: General Fiction, Romance, Horror

“We’re all animals on the inside. It just takes an instigator to show them all.”
One boys’ self corruption. One girl struggling to hold on.

Jack Wynter had no-one but the rooftops of Chicago to talk and cling to throughout his childhood. He used the very cities walls he would later destroy as his own shield from the outside world.
Though one day he meets a young outgoing girl, Kaitlyn Skye, and something develops between them.
It’s definition: Friendship.
Jack defines the relationship with fear and anxiety too frightened to let anyone close. But there’s something hidden beneath those golden eyes, something Kaitlyn fears, something that draws her nearer to him with each passing day that they spend in each other’s arms.

Kaitlyn’s outlook on life is simple and self-satisfying. However, through Jack Wynter’s obvious trauma she slowly comes to grips with the fact that life can be cruel.
While Jack pushes himself into self-loathing and mutilation, Kaitlyn Skye struggles to hold on. Hold on to Jack. Try to communicate the understanding of love to a young boy whose views have been so corrupted by years of trauma and abuse.

The question is: Will he accept the love offered to him? Or will he turn with bloodlust on the very community that betrayed him. Better yet, will her own life be its recompense?

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OneEternalWinter

wrote 38 days ago

Wow, you're writing makes me speechless. You write, honestly, the way I wish I did. Simple, sweet, and oh so sophisticated. You're writing is something that can easily become a classic, that story that will go down for the ages. It's amazes me that you're only 15 (one year younger than me) and you write in a way that could put many published authors to shame. You're extremely talented at creating an atmosphere and a feeling and certainly pulling a reader in and making them feel a part of the story. Your imagery is just exsquisite. The details play and touch with every single one of my five senses. This story is dark, but not so dark that you're put off, but that you hunger for more. The emotion in the characters, the characters themselves, the story- all of it just really, incredibly written. There practically is nothing to fix, other than little bits of grammar here and there. But other than that- just simply amazing.

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C. D. Verhoff

wrote 47 days ago

I haven't met very many people your age who can write this well. You have a knack for visuals, turning them into symbolic gestures, like with the way Jack offers her the bow and it falls to the ground, and the alter comparison with the fruit, which seems to symbolize the seductive, but damning fruit in the Garden of Eden. Especially in light of how you describe Jack as a demon. One nit though. I noticed you're hyphen-happy, placing them in places they're not needed. Your writing style is super sophisticated for a 15-year-old. You're a rising star. Good luck.

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L.C.Candle

wrote 48 days ago

Thank. Goodness. I read all the time and critique and I've seen some good fiction and some fiction that was just plain...Silly. Let's call it that. This is something that I have been waiting to read. Good old fashioned, talented writing. This is the craft at it's finest, I believe. I am appalled actually at it's low rating. You do know a way with words for sure. Impressed. Impressed. That's all I can say, really. Thank gosh you messaged me. You have refreshed my mind with your writing. Your style is so straight and pleasurable to read. I don't have anything to say in means of improvements. I wouldn't say to change a thing, honestly. You sank your teeth into me and you did not let go, that is for sure. I love your characters, love that power that you have within them. Very smooth transitions. Not everyone can pull off that sort of thing. Check your punctuation, I suppose. That's the only thing that I can really draw upon. You almost remind me of a less fantastic Poe, take that as a compliment please, because I can't say you are a Poe--no one will ever match his talent. I love your comparisons and metaphors. Terrific. I love it.

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Exiled_Muse

wrote 49 days ago

The very first line captured my attention. The way you linked those three short phrases was the point of no return for me. As I continued with the prologue, questions came to mind of what was going on and how the story would end. It really drew me into the emotional aspects of Jack and Kaitlyn's story. Your descriptions and metaphors were wonderfully done; the contrast between Kaitlyn and Jack being both dark and light, how their relationship was perverse. All of those sections just made me want to continue on.

Distinguishing between the different characters at the beginning of each subsequent chapter was a nice touch and a good way to look into their minds without having the narrator tell the reader all their thoughts. At the beginning of Original Sin, I found that you switch back and forth from past and present tense, something that's easily fixed with a little editing. The descriptions of the playground and the other children was nicely done. When you introduced Jack as "a little wolfish thing" it made me smile. It was cute (to me, at least. =P). The way you switch from having Kaitlyn speak and think as if she's an adult and a child is nicely done. The memories of her childhood are told wonderfully in this sort of childlike atmosphere but the comments are clearly more mature, darker and thoughtful, full of the experiences and changes that have occurred with age and the passing of years.

And the last lines of each chapter just make me want to continue reading. You know just how to make the reader continue with the story, regardless of the the duties that they have. The voice is dark and besides a lack of commas and some other mistakes, I couldn't find anything obviously wrong with the story.

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Ilada J.

wrote 3 hours ago

While I'm not a romance fan in any way, shape, or form, I've glanced over this and think it's a very promising story. This is something fans of romance will definitely enjoy. Keep up the good work. God bless!

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WendySue

wrote 3 hours ago

Your writing is so fluid - the prologue felt like one long, flowing poem - such lovely word choices. I only have time to read the prologue and first chapters right now. I had your book on my picks a few days ago, and I'm just now getting a chance to read further and comment. Anyhow, as far as criticism, I noticed a verb tense switch in the first paragraph of ch.1, should be..."...trees sprung forth..." and "...wind became drier...", etc. It's hard to catch those little suckers. Grr.
The only other thing that mildly stuck-out to me was the use of the words "erotic and seductive" because those words make me think of sex, which didn't quite fit with seven year olds at the playground. Maybe a different word choice?
Otherwise, this story has a strong, lyrical start, and the last sentence of chapter one is gripping - perfect.
Best of luck to you!
~Wendy
(novel Angel Prophecy)

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TakeABreath96

wrote 3 hours ago

Oh. My. God. Thats all I can think to say. That was wonderful. More than wonderful but I can't think of a word for it right now. Wow.
-Evaline Storm

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Zebbie Martin

wrote 5 hours ago

You have a very readable style. I'm usually immediately turned off by prose like this, but you edge just on the right side of 'purple'. In this first chapter there are a couple of places that drift close to cliche - 'blue-corn moon', 'tender age of six', but the overall feel of the narrative carries me over the few niggles I did have and leave me wanting to read on.
One niggle that still exists is your title - perhaps because I haven't read further (I'm fully aware it may go on to make perfect sense) I'm not certain it means what you want it to mean.

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Kierra Renee- Babyy

wrote 8 hours ago

OMG..this story is great
i love it =]

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StoryGirl96

wrote 11 hours ago

Hey, I just read the prologue and the first chapter. i love the description in the story. but maybe you could make chapter 1 in a child's point of view instead of a teenager's point of view. i find that interesting. that's just advice, i know this story is told by a teenager talking about her memories. and in the prologue, i like the way you described the title and now i know why this story is called that. please read my uncompleted novel broken home.

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allie_whitt

wrote 11 hours ago

I'm completely speechless, and this is only your prologue. Your writing style is so eloquent! You write so well and use so many details to make your story vivid.

This is fantastic, and I can't wait to finish reading it.

~Allie

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allie_whitt

wrote 11 hours ago

I'm completely speechless, and this is only your prologue. Your writing style is so eloquent! You write so well and use so many details to make your story vivid.

This is fantastic, and I can't wait to finish reading it.

~Allie

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xX-Forgotten_Angel-Xx

wrote 13 hours ago

Wow, i don't think i can come up with any other words to dicribe this, you have a truly unique writing style, It's simple yet almost told in a grown up type of way. I honestly wish i could write this good! Amazing job, are you updating soon? I hope you arem, i want to read more :]
~ Alyna

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xX-Forgotten_Angel-Xx

wrote 13 hours ago

Wow, i don't think i can come up with any other words to dicribe this, you have a truly unique writing style, It's simple yet almost told in a grown up type of way. I honestly wish i could write this good! Amazing job, are you updating soon? I hope you arem, i want to read more :]
~ Alyna

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xX-Forgotten_Angel-Xx

wrote 13 hours ago

Wow, i don't think i can come up with any other words to dicribe this, you have a truly unique writing style, It's simple yet almost told in a grown up type of way. I honestly wish i could write this good! Amazing job, are you updating soon? I hope you arem, i want to read more :]
~ Alyna

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SØREN WOLFF

wrote 1 day ago

I've read the prologue and half of the first chapter so far, then I had to stop. There was just so much.
Ever heard the term purple prose? It means the most descriptive and flowery writing possible. Maybe you didn't mean to, but you seem to over describe things. It just sort of... puts me off.
The story sounds great, the entire premise intrigues me, but I'm afraid I'll be reading the rest very slowly. I'm more of a fast paced type.

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R.A. Fleming

wrote 1 day ago

Your writing is simply amazing! The way you use metaphores and similies make the entire passage better to understand. I really like this so far. I hope you keep up the good work!

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ashetreemeadow

wrote 1 day ago

i like your imagery and characterization. not always a huge fan of dark romance---to my mind it's been WAY overused and abused to the point of ridiculousness---but i can definitely see maturing writing in your stuff. that makes it much readable ^^ keep it up! the more you write, the more you grow.....

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Evie J

wrote 1 day ago

K! I'm here with a more detailed comment for you like I promised. It's only on the prologue and first chapter due to time. Hope this helps you out. :)
(Some are just suggestions, so don't feel pressured)

Prologue:
always and forever[,] based on the choices we made.
Jack and me instead of me and Jack.
You switch tenses at times. Don't worry, that's my biggest problem! haha!
We [were] the walking undead. We [admitted] no attachments to humanity. We [were] simply...
Our lives began as the dew [did] on the grass, when it [was] pure in the...
side by side[,] at the odds...
couldn't touch[,] [for they would know we'd]
Be careful of switching to 2nd person. Not a lot of agents like that. So try [I didn't know if we really failed...] instead of [I can't tell you if we...] And [But I did know this:] instead of [But I can tell you this:]
OR
Maybe make it clear you're talking to the audience at the beginning?
LOVED the prologue by the way. Not many agents like them, although, I really think it fits well.

Chapter 1:
The first sentence was kind of wordy. Maybe try: just when the new colors of the tree's leaves [sprung] forth, sucking the warmth...
The wind [became] drier and the laughter...
The first day of school [was ner-wracking for anyone.]
I like how you're telling this from an older Kaitlyn and not the 7-year-old Kaitlyn.
And[,] like the...scene[,] pricked..
Padding up to the tree[,] I stopped and turned...
Worried that it was my bow[,] I tore it from my...
but[,] looking closer[,] the pieces began...
...muddy denim jeans[,] was another child...
With no one pushing it[,] he looked rather alone.
With sentences like the five above that I listed, you need commas in between the actions.
[A long[,] shuddering sigh followed.]
Though[,] I longer I looked at him[,] the more...
Curling legs to my chest[,] I slumped down[,] wiping the dirt on my...
Recess was [nearly] over and...
The swing [then?] gave [a loud] groan...
I shivered[, propped up]...tree[,] until...bell [sounded[,] ending recess.]
This part [I didn't make...pathetic] didn't really sound like a seven year old. Maybe have her actually 'talk' to the grass. Like "Stupid grass! I didn't make any friends because of you!" Or something.
[new line]I shut my eyes[,] thinking of happier places. [no new line, same paragraph] When I opened them[,] my little patch of grass...
The hands [- whomever they belonged to - ]were slender (delete thin).
presented. [new paragraph] Taking more time[,] you would have never noticed...
You already said that his hands were trembling. Maybe take one out?
try just using 'plain scary.' 'plain damn scary' seems to interrupt the narration.
I reached out to the hands (delete trembling)
hairsbreadth away[,] the palms..sides[,] leaving the bow...
Both of his arms [shook/shivered/quavered] with the same...
In that moment[,] I felt like I had a choice.
were friends[,] there were no turning back.
that followed[,] I would always...
embers for eyes. [new paragraph]
year [that] I acknowledged his..
The question was[:] could we...
Drawing my hand back[,] I saw the blood...
moment[,] only that moment.]

Hope this helps ya!! :) Congrats on being in the top five this month. Best of luck to you!!
Evie

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kevinwong_HoD

wrote 1 day ago

This is a unique story, told in a good voice. I like your writing. You have enough feedback regarding that so I will offer you advice about your pitch instead. You should delete the "It's Definition:" and the "The question is:" parts. Just go straight into what you need to say. Literary agents and publishers won't want to waste time by reading a pitch that isn't perfect. Then after they read your shorter pitch, they will get to your book sooner, and enjoy that writing too. :-)

Yours Truly,

Kevin Wong
Author of Heroes of Destiny

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Anniliscious

wrote 1 day ago

All I have to say is that this is quite an intense story. Very well written.

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Anniliscious

wrote 1 day ago

All I have to say is that this is quite an intense story. Very well written.

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purple_wolves

wrote 1 day ago

I love how it is written with emotion and struggles and it seems like its what we all feel sometimes. Alone losing something thats dear to you or feeling too late to tell someone how much you love them. to me its flawless.

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meco

wrote 2 days ago

I enjoyed your story your passion is needed ive read the first page and frem there i know its gonna be great

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Shattering Chadwick

wrote 2 days ago

BREATHLESS! Your use of adjectives creates a fluid, realistic world, and these characters are just so damn likeable! This is my kind of literature right here!

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Nightrose131

wrote 3 days ago

Simply beautiful. The wording is classic and sophisticated. It's a dark story but you can still see a bit of hope here and there. Lovely and makes me speechless.

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ToastyEmoNinja

wrote 3 days ago

*Sighs* You're amazing. I wish I could write like this. One day, I want to see this book in a store. Even if I'm dirt broke (like always), I'd buy this. I don't read books unless I'm pulled in at the beginning, and you pulled me in. I love it.

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Christie Cremer

wrote 3 days ago

good storyline

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Joseph Geary

wrote 3 days ago

I read the first part and i'm adding to my watch list. I really enjoy your style and your description.

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[500]Riots

wrote 3 days ago

you are amazing, i admire you as a writer and I'm hooked on this book! you write with a passion and i easily visualize everything in my head. I love how you put a dark subtext in the story as well! :) great job!

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mkparlett

wrote 4 days ago

your writing is amazing. iv never met anyone who is as good as a writer as you, and your only 15! My writing isnt half as good as yours, and I am super jealous of you. I'm a little bit confused about what time period this is in, when he's having a flashback, how old they are, ect. ect. But your writing is absolutley fantastic, and your amazingly talented. I'm only a teenager, a year younger than you actually, and now I'm inspired to become a better writer because of you! When I read a lot of teens writing, like some others on inkpop, I find it silly and uninteresting. Yours is the contrary! Please check out my book "Just Your Average Girl" though now I'm afraid I have been shown up greatly by your amazing work.

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thnks0fr0th0mmrs

wrote 4 days ago

Oh my god. This attracted me from sentence one. I can't believe you're only fifteen (like me), and yet you write twice as better than me. I won't say that I'm not jealous, but I'm not jealous enough to flame you for no reason. You write beautifully. I can actually picture myself standing next to Jack. It's terrifyingly amazing. I hope to see this in print very soon. If this is chosen for review, might I say right now that you deserve it.

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Jeremy Ashton

wrote 4 days ago

"Our lives began as the dew does on the grass, when it is pure in the rising sun and untoached by the corruption of the world" That line,is so gloriously wonderfull. I didnt have time to go very far so I wont be able to be incredible helpful but honestly this is really good and you have ALOT of talent. Please read mine as well, I would love an opinion from someone as talented as you are ;)

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bookworm2

wrote 4 days ago

One word: WOW
like holy shit this is AMAZING
every word was so intriguing. i loved every single minute of reading this. you have such an amazing talent in writing. never waste it and make sure this gets published.
XD
Bookworm2

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Jessica Hoffman

wrote 4 days ago

This book has, at least for me, put a substantial dent in the way I think of literature. I offer you my most sincere wishes for prosperity, and assure you that I hope to see this book published someday.

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Jessica Hoffman

wrote 4 days ago

This has, at least for me, put a dent in literature, and will be remembered by me for years to come, I offer you my most sincere wishes for prosperity, and honestly hope this book is published someday.

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Andrew W

wrote 4 days ago

Have come back to read a little more, you have a playful and creative style, you do like to extend your metaphors and experiment with phrases, all great, but again I think you may need to edit many of the cleverer ones to death to bring the story to the fore. For example, if we look at the following sentences, here would be my suggested edits, remember I am as unpublished as the rest of us on this site so what do I know:

Life back then had been very easy, simple and pointlessly careless. Everyone was all smiles. The ones who didn't were cast out. Those were the only rules of children. That had been my world.

New version might go:

Life then was pointless and simple. Everyone smiled, even when they felt like crap. Anyone who didn't got cast out, the unwritten rules of childhood invisible but viciously applied...

Good luck, best wishes - A

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heartdamoose

wrote 4 days ago

All right, so I've only read the first chapter so far, but hot dayum. I will definitely be continuing on, but I have to run to a concert now. This is absolutely beautiful, poetic, structured writing. So real. So raw. I can see you picking out each sentence word for word, trying to figure out what exactly encompasses human suffering. wow.

Like I said, I'll definitely be reading on. But do you think you can give me a push along with my own story? It's called The Guardian. I haven't gotten any comments on it yet, but I'd really appreciate some. Just as this story seems to be a prized possession of yours, The Guardian is my own little jewel. I'd really love your feedback. :)

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kolbycheese88

wrote 4 days ago

All I had time to read so far was the summary. It sounds amazing though! I put it on my Picks List!

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Andrew W

wrote 4 days ago

The Connotations of Butterflies

Hi,

Interesting turns of phrase, an intriguing prologue but in my humble opinion I think you need to give yourself some distance from this work and then come back and hit it hard with the editorial knife (oops, mixed my metaphor there). You are clearly in love with the English language and you have a poetic and evocative lilt to your writing, but at the moment I found myself waiting for the story to be inserted around the writing. Please don't misunderstand me, you have great visuals here, strong writing, but I think you need now to bring us story, story, story, dressed in beautiful words yes, but in that first few paragraphs you give us soaring phrases, but confused me in terms of what the hell was going on. This site is a good place to develop your writing, but its downfall is the overriding positivity and sycophancy of comments, simply to get return reads and return picks. I'm not playing that game so can offer more reasoned feedback.

You have a talent here, but it will be hard graft developing it, working everyday, honing it. Really pleased to see you on the Ed Desk and will help out by picking you but do consider revealing your narrative sooner, less words, more story please. I hope at least some of this has been useful. Happy to read other chapters if you'd like me too.

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UntitledMess

wrote 4 days ago

Oooh, this is so well written. I very much adore your writing style and word choice, along with the way you describe things. For now, I only read the prologue and chapter one. So bear with me on this. :)

So like others have said, you have brilliant word choice and rich descriptions that capture every moment in a metaphor. It all ties together and makes the story amazing, as much as I've read. You describe the settign so well we could picture it, but at points it feels over described. Mmm... that isn't too much of a bad thing as it is good. So, ying and yang effect. Anyway.

The way this made me think made me happy. I like stories that made me think. The depressing ways that such a young child thinks about is incredible. I already like Jack, though. I like tortured souls in the way they react to things, in the way they seem to be just... deeper. Already I see the deeper end in him.

Great work. :) I really like it, it's going on my picks.

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The Silent Library

wrote 4 days ago

Hmm~

It was a nice read, I don't know why but I didn't enjoy it all too much. Maybe it was just the gloomy weather. I feel so sorry for Jack to be brought up in such environment.
It was sophisticated from the beginning to the end. I thought it was sent before the 20th century from what the description showed me.
There were some grammatical errors, usually when Jack's father yelled. It's minor though, somewhat.

I don't think I have more to say but, good job. :)

Cheerios.

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the_search_to_find_the_real_me

wrote 4 days ago

youre writing is good, actually, It's wonderful, but it does seem to run on just a little too much, I don't really have much to offer for an idea, but maybe you can make the chapters a little shorter so that they don't seem to drag on as much, as I gt further in the book, it's kinda of like I'm overwhelmed by all the text...

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Ashley Ayers

wrote 5 days ago

i've only read the prologue so far, and i've decided to add it to my picks. you have an amazing ability to take a visual and turn it into words.

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kamara713

wrote 5 days ago

Your writing is impeccable. Your descriptions and choice of words fit your story and all it entails. Amazing. I haven't quite found anyone on this site where I truly thought they well deserved to be on the top so much as you and your story. I will definitely be putting this on my picks, and it is well deserved.

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Coraline

wrote 5 days ago

You're book is one of the most well-written I've read on inkpop so far. (Which actually isn't saying very much...but it was all I could think of to say.) Your writing style... it's good, but a bit drawn out. Every sentence is like a long speech of the beauty of one thing compared to another. They sound nice, when read aloud, but is a bit flat. You need to give your story more LIFE. You need to make the reader see what you're saying WITHOUT a long paragraph of describing and comparing. Your writing is elegant, but almost TOO much. The reader can't see the story through all the embellishments. When the reader is not always reading the story, but the decorations that completely encrust the story, they get tired and stop reading. Otherwise... good!

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ObsidianAmbition

wrote 5 days ago

I love the way your writing makes the reader lust for more. It's like an addiction, and I've only reached the first chapter. I love the imagery and symbolism here (especially the allusion to the Garden of Eden with the "poisonous apple"). I absolutely agree with OneEternalWinter in that this story is not too dark, but dark enough to leave the reader wanting more. For some reason, this reminds me a bit of Wuthering Heights (but that might be because I've just finished reading it...)

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ObsidianAmbition

wrote 5 days ago

The prologue really captured my attention. It's so elegantly written, but without filler words. I absolutely LOVE your writing style (especially the diction; it always hits perfectly!!). The prologue left me wanting more (which, I'm guessing, is what it's supposed to do, so kudos!)

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MonsterGirl

wrote 5 days ago

YOU NEED MORE CONVERSATION! I KNOW DETAILS ARE FUN BUT IF YOUR CHARACTERS HAVE SIGN LANGUAGE, PUT A FEW QUOTES DOWN AND MAKE IT HAPPEN! I also like how you spelled Winter (Wynter) and it didn't take a whole lot to make this story good. I know a good story when I read one.

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Quirkyloverofreading.

wrote 5 days ago

Wow :) that is really good, i love the way you match a line so simple with really strong imagery, you definately on my watch list :) and i've only read the prologue but i will be returning to read more.

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zamixmichael

wrote 6 days ago

wow........i cant say anything more.....

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Kaerf

wrote 6 days ago

Very nice, and well written. It's almost like I can't type hard enough of how I feel right now. You put alot of emotion and power into it which made me love it, even more. I don't know many people who can write like this. I bet your going to be something big someday, you're really good.

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Fairytaled

wrote 6 days ago

Review for The Connotation of Butterflies:

• Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. - I really should use some synonyms, totally going on my picks at a more appropriate time.

• I’ve noticed you use a lot of metaphor and simile, its great but you’re getting tedious and annoying. Not every sentence and every paragraph has to be deep or the reader will drown. I saw Transferred Epithet- one of my favourite techniques!

• The word connotation doesn’t seem appropriate, it’s the word I use when writing technical essays like: How does Shakespeare show the theme of Love in Romeo and Juliet?

1.
the associated or secondary meaning of a word or expression in addition to its explicit or primary meaning: A possible connotation of “home” is “a place of warmth, comfort, and affection.”

2.
Logic. the set of attributes constituting the meaning of a term and thus determining the range of objects to which that term may be applied; comprehension; intension.

• Don’t over describe, because you need to be showing not telling.

• Get to the point. Take me to the part you’re having the most fun writing, the part where the action starts. Seep the background information in slowly, not dump it all on the reader at the beginning. It adds mystery and makes it all the more interesting. Flashbacks perhaps?

I will read more, soon! I love it!
~noelle
<3

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diane_stiffler

wrote 6 days ago

You have so much talent! This is excellent writing. The prologue was a great hook. I can picture their world through your characters eyes. I have only got through the second chapter, but will be back to read more soon! ~Diane

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